Masculinity is not taught through a single lesson.
It is absorbed through countless interactions, observations, rewards and punishments over a lifetime.
Long before a boy understands manhood, he is already learning what it means to be a man from the people and environments around him.
A boy quickly learns what is celebrated and what is discouraged. Over time, he becomes selective about what he expresses and what he suppresses.
As he grows older, he receives messages about value and worth, often learning his contribution to others matters more than his own needs.
He begins to associate his value with what he can provide, gradually disconnecting from his sense of self.
The narrative reinforced is that carrying a burden is admirable, while speaking about it is not.
Boys watch men endure exhaustion, financial pressure, grief and disappointment while rarely discussing their emotional experiences.
These lessons were not intended to be harmful.
They emerged from historical realities where survival depended on resilience, sacrifice and responsibility.
Families taught boys the skills they believed would help them navigate adversity and fulfil their expected roles.
The shortcoming, however, is that boys are often taught how to become resilient men but not necessarily emotionally healthy men.
They learn to solve problems and support others, but not how to understand their own emotions.
Yet to be human is to experience emotions.
When society tells men to seek help, it assumes they possess the emotional language, confidence and behavioural models to do so.
For many, seeking help is not simply an action; it is a skill that was never taught. It requires challenging years of conditioning around strength, independence and self-worth.
This is why conversations about men’s well-being must move beyond simply telling men to speak.
We should also ask whether we have taught them how to speak, who to speak to, and whether we have created environments in which they can do so without shame or fear of failure.
Some men become fluent in duty but not in vulnerability.
They carry not only their own pain but also generations of lessons about what it means to be a man.
Yet modern society increasingly asks men to express parts of themselves they were never taught to identify or understand.
The solution is not to dismantle masculinity but to broaden it.
This process begins in childhood. Boys should be taught emotional literacy and that all emotions are valid and deserve to be understood.
Just as we learn to recognise hunger or physical pain, we should also learn to identify sadness, fear, disappointment, shame and loneliness. Emotional literacy allows people to respond to emotions instead of suppressing them.
Secondly, boys need healthier male role models.
Fathers, coaches, teachers and community leaders who demonstrate emotional honesty, accountability and healthy help-seeking give younger men permission to do the same.
The most powerful lessons are often those that are modelled rather than spoken.
Thirdly, strength should not be measured solely by one’s ability to carry burdens. It should also include the wisdom to recognise when those burdens have become too heavy. Seeking help should be seen as a responsible act of self-management.
Men also need spaces where vulnerability is not punished. Many have learned that emotional disclosure can be met with ridicule, criticism or dismissal.
If society wants men to speak, it must ensure that speaking is met with empathy and psychological safety.
Finally, help-seeking itself should be understood as a learned skill. Many men have never been taught how to ask for help, describe emotional distress or access support services.
These skills should be fostered and strengthened throughout adulthood.
The goal is not to create a different kind of man, but a more complete one – one who is resilient without being emotionally isolated and strong enough to seek support when life’s burdens become too heavy.
If we broaden our understanding of masculinity, we may see fewer men suffering in silence, fewer lives lost to suicide and stronger, healthier communities.
– Ceaseria Mutau is the founder and executive director of Eureka Psychological Services and Eureka Haus.
