Behind many beautiful wedding photographs and public displays of love, there are families quietly suffering. Some marriages are being destroyed by unfaithfulness, secrecy, and emotional neglect.
One of the most painful realities is the wife who has stood beside her husband through poverty, family responsibilities and the building of a household – yet he continues to maintain another relationship outside the marriage.
Sometimes the “side chick” knows the man is married, and may believe his promises that he will leave his wife.
Eventually, somebody gets hurt.
The wife is betrayed.
The children become emotionally damaged, and extended families are divided. The husband may lose the very home he spent years building.
The tragedy is that adultery is often treated as entertainment or gossip until the consequences become real. Status does not make a person morally perfect. Politicians, business people, community and traditional leaders, and church members are human beings.
But when role models repeatedly normalise cheating, it sends a dangerous message to younger generations.
Among Herero-speaking communities, discussions about marriage sometimes become complicated by references to traditional practices such as polygyny, concubinage and extended kinship relationships.
Historical research shows that Herero family structures have never been as simple as the modern Western concept of a husband, wife and nuclear household. But there is an important distinction that must be made.
Traditional culture cannot be used as a licence for dishonesty.
There is a difference between a culturally recognised marriage arrangement in which adults understand and consent to the arrangement, and a married man secretly maintaining a girlfriend while deceiving his wife.
The first may be a cultural or marital arrangement. The second is betrayal.
We should therefore be careful about saying that today’s cheating is simply “our ancestors’ way of life”. This explanation can become an excuse for irresponsible behaviour.
We can discuss ancestral beliefs, spirituality and cultural history without pretending that human beings have no responsibility for their decisions.
Adults may tell themselves that their affairs are private, but children live with the consequences. Some children become angry.
Others withdraw. Many carry the wounds into their own adult relationships.
While husbands carry the primary responsibility for honouring their marriage vows and boundaries, women who knowingly have relationships with married men also need to take responsibility.
They need to understand that there is a family standing behind that man. And men should not use women against one another to satisfy their own desires.
One of the most damaging ideas that needs to be challenged is that a man’s masculinity is demonstrated by the number of women he can attract.
It is not. Real masculinity is responsibility. It is providing for your children.
It is protecting – not destroying – the emotional wellbeing of your family.
It is having the courage to tell the truth, and accepting that if you no longer want to be married, you should have an honest conversation and deal with the consequences rather than secretly maintaining another relationship.
A man becomes responsible when he can build a relationship based on honesty, respect and accountability.
Traditional society had mechanisms for families to intervene when marriages experienced serious problems. Research on Herero family life describes the important role of wider kinship networks.
“Our elders, churches and community leaders should be willing to tell a man when he is wrong, and not justify it with: “That is how men behave.”
We need marriage education before marriage – not only wedding celebrations.
Couples should be taught communication, financial and sexual responsibility, parenting skills, and conflict resolution.
Young men should be taught that fatherhood is more than producing children.
Young women should be taught that their worth is not determined by whether a powerful man chooses them.
Traditional leaders should participate in conversations about modern family challenges.
Churches should preach responsibility alongside forgiveness. Schools and communities should teach healthy relationships.
And married couples should be encouraged to seek counselling before problems become irreversible.
Most importantly, we need to stop glorifying the cheating husband.
A man who destroys several families is not a hero.
A woman who knowingly participates in destroying another household should not be celebrated. And a society that watches silently while children suffer must ask itself whether it has become part of the problem.
– Gerson Kapitua
