The emotional bank account functions like a traditional bank account. You make deposits and withdrawals with every interaction you have or choose not to have with a specific person.
A withdrawal is anything you do that reduces trust or damages the relationship. Withdrawals are not necessarily dramatic events, they are everyday small actions such as white lies, being inconsistent in words and actions, gossiping or not following through on agreed actions.
In the same way a bank account can go into negative balance, so can a relationship become overdrawn when you withdraw more than you deposit, or when you fail to maintain it due to negligence or familiarisation.
When a balance is negative, communication becomes guarded and stiff. However, I have come to learn that the most common symptom of a negative balance is that one person’s intentions become quickly and irrationally distorted and that minor mistakes or mishaps are quickly categorised as major offences.
We will all have different balances with the various people we interact with, but it is our responsibility to make sure that the few important personal, professional and strategic relationships we have are not in a negative balance. Just to be clear, it is very possible to make deposits that the other person may regard as withdrawals.
This is particularly prevalent such as a leader delivering bad news or giving corrective feedback, or a parent disciplining unacceptable behaviour. In these instances, stay true to your deposit but try to clarify the intention if there is opportunity to do so.
The key steps to correct a negative balance are as follows.
You must acknowledge and take ownership of the overdraft balance without seeking to justify or defend yourself.
And if this is a relationship you wish to preserve, seek to make small, consistent deposits without expecting a specific response in a specific time period or in a specific manner.
Which key relationships are in a negative balance and what do you intend to do about them?
