There comes a time in every Windhoeker’s life when the most accurate way to describe the weather is “Neh, man! Jissus! ‘F*k!”.
I hear variations of these exclamations as I cross the city bent by the winter wind. In the suburbs, domestic workers bundle up and blaspheme as they make their way to houses almost as cold as the temperature. At a downtown gallery on Julius K Nyerere Street, an assistant contemplates buying thicker socks as the wind whips through the security gate and nips at her feet. Battling the draught that engulfs a Maerua Mall taxi stop, a cab driver wearing two beanies asks me the conversation starter of the week.
“Did you see it’s snowing in Johannesburg?”
The rate at which Joburgers are posting their snowcapades to social media renders this practically a rhetorical question. I answer in the affirmative and clue him into Waylene, a Namibian comedian in Jozi, who giddily described the phenomenon as “It’s raining pap” set to Andrea Bocelli’s ‘White Christmas’.
Haters are gonna hate, but I like the snow videos. They’re heartwarming. They look on the bright side and they’re cheerful.
The cold slowly mummifying the population of Windhoek would seem worth it, if for three shining hours we could skip a little work, take photos and build snow demons. Instead, we’re out here cowering below ominously swaying trees, thinking (and I quote): “Freeze us, Lord, we are your mixed veggies!”
As snow falls in Jozi, Windhoekers curse the cold and climate change teases what it may have done to the dinosaurs, I can’t help but wonder what to do in such chilly conditions, so in true me fashion, I make a list.
How to Keep Warm This Winter
Bed Rot – Not to be confused with Fishrot, though perhaps almost as scandalous in a society rabid about ceaseless productivity, bed rotting is just lying in your bed all day like the grandparents in Gene Wilder’s ‘Willy Wonka’ (1971). Watch things, eat things, keep warm, avoid the flu. Though frequent bed rotting can be a mental health flag, becoming one with your bed every few weeks still falls into the sparkly realm of self-care.
Order In – While a Windhoek summer is a thing of legend spent at outdoor restaurants, on rooftops, at carwashes, shebeens and bars, winter can have the city looking like March 2020. Support your favourite local eateries (Mine? Garnish, Goodfellas, Indolicious, Daisho) by ordering takeaway and see my advice on bed rotting.
Join a Game of D&D – One of the cosiest out-of-the-house things I can think of doing this winter is joining a game of Dungeons & Dragons at The Village. Sessions of the tabletop role playing, storytelling and worldbuilding game are centred around crafting a unique character like a druid, a monk, an elf or a paladin and embarking on quests and campaigns in fantasy realms. The win here is you can imagine warmth. Bright, blessed heat as you eat your weight in everything from Haribo gummies to freshly bought doughnuts. It sounds random but it’s kind of a vibe. Learn more at wyrmhole.net
Take a Lover – Though it may be a little late in the game to start scrambling for a seasonal or truly significant other, nothing warms up a winter like having a partner. If you’re currently coupled both in bed rot and in takeaways, you are truly one of this simulation’s most strategic players. If, like me, you’re flying solo, I hear “The Apps” (dating) are open all year round … though they may be colder than the weather.
