According to Dante Alighieri in ‘Dante’s Inferno’ there are nine levels of Hell, and in each one resides a particular kind of sinner. The first is for the unbaptised; the second is for the lustful; the third is for the gluttonous; the fourth for the greedy and avaricious; the fifth is set aside for those ruled by wrath; the sixth is for heretics; the seventh for the violent; the eighth for the fraudulent; and the ninth for the treacherous.
These were the various malfeasances deemed worthy of punishment in Alighieri’s time. They are quite old-fashioned.
Somebody has to update them. I think that person should be me.
I say we keep the old circles of Hell because they do serve worthy purposes but add a few more levels for more modern trespasses.
The tenth circle of Hell should be set aside for the cuddling couples and sprawling families who cannot make up their minds about what to order in the popcorn queues at cinemas.
Small, medium, or large pockets of popcorn? Sprite, Fanta, or Coke? And then just when you think they are about to make a decision, one of their indecisive friends suddenly joins them from nowhere and the whole process begins again.
What is so complex about the choices on offer that requires more than 20 seconds of deliberation to decide on the film’s fodder? The menu has only been the same since forever. Make a damn choice.
Sharing this circle of Hell with the delinquents described above are people who talk in films. They deserve fire and brimstone, a lake of sulphur, an eternity of gnashing teeth, and worse.
So much worse. And they deserve it over and over again. Talking during films is one of those points of social faux pas which peeve me off to no end.
See, when I was in Grade 2 and we had a school outing to the cinema, our teacher told us to keep quiet in the cinema because “there were other people watching the film and we have to respect them too. We are not the only ones who have paid to see this, OK? Do you understand?”
We said we did. We kept quiet for ‘Toy Story’s’ duration. And we were in Grade 2.
Fast-forward a couple of years and people act like they bought out the whole cinema. No, the 10th circle should be a prison full of pain and misery which must be suffered in silence.
The 11th should be set aside for people who talk at volume in libraries or bookshops. The 12th is for people who borrow books and do not return them. The 13th is for people who eat smelly food in confined spaces. The 14th is for every taxi driver ever. The 15th is for people who cannot communicate without using emojis. The 16th is for people who retweet you before you can correct your typo. The 17th is for anyone who has blue tick-marked me.
The 18th is for anyone who disagrees with this list.
