The Silent Suffering of Namibia’s Snorers

The rights of snorers are an overlooked human rights issue in bedrooms across Namibia.

In this episode, we are discussing the systematic oppression of snorers.

Yes, snorers. Those peaceful citizens who simply close their eyes, fall asleep and express their dreams through a gentle, rhythmic sound that echoes through the night like Big Ben’s music.

Snoring, ladies and gentlemen, is not a crime. It is a biological expression of rest.

Holding an audiometer to any and every person sleeping would reveal that they all produce a vibration called snoring.

Some produce an almost inaudible sound while those divinely blessed produce holy, thunderous vibrations.

Some even argue it is a sign of deep and honest sleep. Yet every night, countless Namibians who snore are subjected to acts of violence that would cause outrage if they occurred in any other context.

The violence served on snorers qualifies as assault with intent to cause grievous bodily harm and psychological damages.

Consider the elbow, something every snorer knows.

You are in the middle of a glorious slumber. Your body has finally achieved that rare moment of true rest. The type of sleep that could cure national stress levels if bottled and sold at Model.

Your breathing is steady and dynamic at the same time. Your mind is drifting somewhere between childhood memories and the hope of winning a million dollars at the betting machine.

Then suddenly, without warning, an elbow crashes into your ribs or stomach, like a blunt instrument of justice.

The victim wakes up violently, gasping, confused, disoriented and emotionally betrayed.

“What was that?” the snorer asks, still half inside a dream.

“You’re snoring!” the partner hisses.

Ladies and gentlemen, imagine being physically assaulted for sleeping too successfully. Would you really expect to still be married in the morning?

That is the daily reality of Namibia’s snorers and its link to the sky-rocketing of divorce cases in this country.

This violent awakening is not a small matter. Medical experts will tell you that sudden disturbances during deep sleep interrupt vital restorative cycles. In simple terms, when a snorer is jabbed awake by an elbow, it has the same effect as a horrific nightmare.

The snorer then spends the rest of the night in a state of nervous alertness, sleeping lightly, afraid that another attack may occur at any moment. Some even develop what psychologists might call “pre-elbow anxiety”.

Meanwhile, the non-snoring partner behaves like they are the victim.

Let us examine this logic carefully.

One person is asleep. The other person is awake.

Instead of adjusting their own situation, the awake person decides the sleeping person must change.

This is an interesting philosophy.

If someone next to you is sleeping peacefully and producing a sound that you do not personally enjoy, the rational solution is surely for you to adjust your own sleeping arrangements. After all, you are the one who is awake.

Yet in many Namibian households, the opposite happens. The snorer is treated like a malfunctioning generator that must be switched off immediately. That is totally unacceptable.

If the non-snorer cannot tolerate the majestic night-time symphony known as snoring, they must consider alternative options such as ear plugs. These have existed for years and are widely available at pharmacies.

The second option is relocation. If you do not appreciate biologically generated music, consider voluntarily relocating to the couch. It has served humanity faithfully for decades as a temporary refuge for spouses who are unhappy with night-time conditions.

Some Namibians already use their garages as workshops and storage spaces, and social bars on weekends.

But no. Instead of exploring these peaceful options, many people choose violence by elbowing, shoving and screaming. Some even push the snorer and shout, “Turn!”

Turn where? The person is asleep!

This brings us to another misunderstood truth about snoring. Snorers are not villains. In fact, they provide several important public benefits.

Firstly, snorers act as natural security systems. The sound of snoring has been proven to deter burglars, thieves and even evil spirits. I dare you to show me a case of a house broken into with a snorer inside snoring.

Secondly, snorers provide psychological comfort in the wilderness. Many people going camping in Namibia always invite a known snorer to act as a deterrent against predators.

To lions, a snorer in a tent tells them that something large and unpredictable is sleeping and they will walk away.

Third, snorers contribute to relationship stability.

This may sound strange, but think about it.

Every couple needs something harmless to argue about. Snoring fills that role perfectly. It is a low-risk disagreement that releases tension without threatening the relationship itself.

Namibia has organisations for many important causes. Farmers have unions. Workers have unions. Even stamp collectors have clubs. But the snorer has none. Not yet anyway, because that is about to change. I propose the establishment of the Namibian Snorers’ Rights Association. The End.

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