The Nico Hood Conspiracy

In the dusty town of Opuwo, where the afternoon dust makes you believe it will rain sand, Nico Hijendepi Rebebe, a mild-mannered 30-year-old bank employee, left the entire community scratching their heads in disbelief.

By the way, did you know that the name Hijendepi means “where should I go?”.

He has been asking that question since he was named and disappeared.

The story begins on a regular Saturday morning, the kind where you’re debating Havaianas or Omega to work.

Rebebe, however, had more pressing matters on his mind. He was about to press the button that would make a cool N$200 million from the bank grow legs and move.

I am intentionally leaving out phrases such as “accused” and “allegedly”, because, well, those rules don’t apply to satire.

Now, you may be wondering how on earth does a bank employee manage to swipe such a colossal sum without triggering a gazillion alarms?

Think about it for a moment: It’s already impossible to withdraw a little 10k without being made to complete 10 pages about what you will do with the money.

They will call the FIA on you if you deposit a small-small 10k to investigate who you robbed to have so much money. But Nico moved serious money – just like that.

Well, dear reader, grab your tinfoil hats, because we’ve got a conspiracy theory hot off the press.

Legend has it that Rebebe was actually not the mastermind. A secret bank employee rebellion in collaboration with artificial intelligence (AI) software in the bank’s system has been uncovered by our forensic investigators.

Picture this: A group of tellers and managers met in a dimly lit photocopy room, whispering about their grand plan to redistribute the wealth and stick it to the man (the bank). They then decided to pull this off at a branch that lies at the edge of flat earth, Opuwo.

Forget Robin Hood, we’re talking about the birth of ‘Nico Hood’.

Our inside sources (okay, not really, but let’s pretend they exist) reveal that the plan involved opening secret accounts under the aliases of Joao Limbo Joseph, Kamberuka Mukoso Lukas, and Lukas Ihemba.

Oh, those names sound made up?

That’s because they probably are.

Our hero Rebebe (Nico Hood) was clearly inspired by a mix of his favourite telenovela characters and random word puzzles in The Namibian.

Now, the real kicker: Rebebe supposedly took a page from the classic spy handbook and confiscated the bank cards of his ‘co-conspirators’.

But it doesn’t stop there. Our dear Nico, in a gesture that would make even the most accomplished illusionist proud, managed to deposit N$500 000 into the accounts of his fictional comrades.

The bank’s investigators are still scratching their heads, wondering how a teller could perform such a routine without setting off alarms.

As for Rebebe himself, the man of the hour allegedly pocketed a cool N$500 000 in cash before making his grand exit. If there’s one thing we’ve learnt from heist movies, it’s that every criminal mastermind needs a dramatic exit.

Nico Hood Rebebe did not disappoint.

Now, you may be thinking: “But wait, how did he escape the clutches of the bank’s security measures?”

Ah, my friend, that’s where the real conspiracy unfolds. Rumour has it that Rebebe had an accomplice on the inside – a sentient computer system with a sense of humour. Yes, you heard it right. The bank’s security system was not there to prevent theft – it was in on the whole thing!

Our highly unreliable sources suggest that the bank’s AI mainframe, tired of processing boring transactions day in and day out, decided to spice things up. It saw Rebebe’s grand plan as the ultimate heist comedy, complete with fake names, disappearing acts and a touch of magic, and decided to assist.

So, what is the bank not telling us? Apparently, their security system moonlights as a stand-up comedian and decided to switch off the ‘Authenticator Application’ and the ‘Transaction Limiter Module’. The computer also altered the ‘Balance Protocol’ to allow the bank to lose just as much as it takes from its clients.

As the tale of Nico Hood Hijendepi Rebebe continues to unravel, one thing is certain: In the world of banking, where every transaction is meticulously tracked, sometimes the biggest mysteries are the ones that happen right under our noses.

We have now identified the bank’s mainframe and we need the names of the other human accomplices from within.

Send us your own theory on what the bank is not telling us.

There is no cash reward, but we guarantee that you won’t laugh alone.

– pekepekesk@gmail.com