So Namibia Breweries Limited dropped a new beer on us this week without so much as a kiss on the cheek, a pinch of the buttocks or a tongue in the ear.
Just !tjhoef! Tafel Light, just like that!
It made me wonder why they would ignore us like this in the entire tasting, naming and testing phase.
Being a typical Namibian, who doesn’t necessarily like beer but has to drink it because it’s in my veins, I wondered why I have a deficit in my bank balance and an oversupply of kapunda if I’m being treated with such disdain.
I was going to suggest we nationalise the breweries but then I remembered how ratchet beer drinkers really are. They become what they drink.
So, here’s your quintessential guide to Namibian beer drinkers’ characters and why they choose what they drink:
Drunk by typical ‘ain’t sh*t’ dudes. Afraid of commitment. Can’t drink a real beer for fear of telling their male best friend they’re actually into him while sloshed. They tell everyone they have 200 Twitter followers.
The kind of guy who lets his friends ‘cover’ their last few dollars to buy Black Label while he has N$1 000 just chilling in his pocket. And the beer isn’t much better than its fans. Tastes like baby piss diluted with lukewarm water.
An integral part of the dronklap starter pack. These are the type of people who hold their beer by the bottle’s torso instead of the neck. They don’t move with the times. These guys wear plakkies with jeans. They ‘forget’ to shower for the whole weekend. This is your typical trigger happy, road-rage fighter who weighed 42kg in Grade 12 and matures to an unshapely 103kg by age 25.
Tafel drinkers are the type of people who add you to a WhatsApp group you have no business being in. They laugh the loudest at their own lame jokes and are only one drunken Saturday night away from becoming a full-blown Black Label drinker. Surprisingly, beer connoisseurs will tell you it’s a damn good beer.
There’s something about Windhoek drinkers. We know you’re a Tafel fan but since you’re often outside Windhoek, you feel you have to represent. These are people who have no qualms drinking alone, even on an end-of-the-month Friday evening. They would spend more time admiring the Windhoek bottle than the lanky model accompanying them. Even the haters would admit it simply is the best beer ever brewed by anyone. Ever.
Good people drink Draught. Hard workers who aspire to world peace, equal distribution of wealth, free education for all and quality free healthcare. They have no problem being taxed heavily if the tax is used properly. They have a dislike for Robert Mugabe and other fake pan-Africanists. They enjoy their supreme thirst quencher after a hard week at work.
We know you left with the SADF Caspirs across the Orange in 1989. We hoped you wouldn’t come back. You believe PT shorts, heavy moustaches and Ray Ban specs are en vogue again. Did you guys get the tender for two-tone shirts? The typical Castle drinker tells everyone willing to listen that they worked hard for their money and so did their forefathers. Castle should not be drunk. I’m sure scientists will soon find some use for it, maybe engine cleaning? Pig fodder, perhaps?
People who play house music on full blast on a Sunday. One beer – f*cked up! Unless you’re a student you have a problem. When you drink the tombo of beers, is it any wonder that you stink?
You like Black Label? You and Black Label are hooked forever. Black Label is like that side-chick who doesn’t want to leave. The one who tells everyone about her ‘boyfriend’. The beverage of choice for deadbeat baby daddies and Manchester United supporters. Next stop for you is Zorba or Monis Granada.
Mr Fancy Pants, with the hole in the underpants. You can’t handle proper beer. Stop fronting! You’re low-key a Windhoek Lager fan but you want people to think you’re loaded. Stop it!
The kind of dude who would leave a party to eat KFC alone and return as if nothing happened. Heineken is Castle Light with nice shoes and a jacket on.
You lie to yourself that you don’t want to drink any more. That sh*t is not beer. It’s for those dudes who tell you at 17h00 “I’m around the corner” but find themselves at a party at Paaltjies at 21h00 on a Sunday evening with their best friend’s girlfriend. They talk about your escapades to your mamma and ask the pastor to pray out loud for their friend with the drinking problem. Clausthaler is Castle Light without the goofy smile and happy ending.
I’m sure Arsenal fans will be all over this one like a rash. This sounds like a beer for 30-year-old guys still living with their mother, who are still thinking of getting circumcised and still deny the child they made at age 17.
Also: Guys who drink ciders and King Lager are mentally unstable, indecisive gossips who end up dating Arsenal fans.
