IN an era of self-gratifying selfies, a constant need to seek relevance and out-of-touch grandiosity, narcissism seems to be increasingly rearing its nasty head, not only in our newsfeeds but also in our intimate midst.
What exactly is it and can one be cured from what is generally regarded by mental health specialists as a serious ailment? Also, can one escape from its claws if you find yourself trapped in especially a romantic relationship with a narcissist?
Although all of us have narcissistic traits, psychologists say it can be a personality disorder where an inflated ego may bring about an abundance of chaos.
According to University of Namibia academic Dr Mara Mberira, it is imperative to distinguish between the disorder and narcissism as a trait.
The disorder, she shares, has at its heart perpetual levels of self-importance, grandiosity and “always feeling superior to others”. Coupled with this, the seasoned therapist says, is a constant need for admiration and attention and very little regard for others as narcissists do not have empathy. “They don’t have the level of emotionality to put themselves in others’ shoes.”
According to Mberira, we all have narcissistic traits.
Young children, for instance, may be self-absorbed and that is allowed because they want their needs met.
The same goes for teenagers.
If, as an adult, it is all about the self though, the boundaries of a healthy self-esteem may have been surpassed.
Narcissism often manifests in those dealing with the condition ending up in troubled relationships, Mberira says. These could be both professional and personal interactions.
In particular, narcissists are hypersensitive to criticism, betrayal and abandonment. This vulnerability leads to “anybody perceived to be a threat not being seen as a good friend or partner. It is always about themselves and their needs”.
This, according to her, will leave a partner of a narcissistic person feeling deprived, because “the reciprocity in healthy relationships is not there”.
Often, narcissists react violently, resorting to emotional and, at times, physical abuse should they feel criticised, betrayed or abandoned, especially within an intimate relationship.
Mberira emphasises that it should be borne in mind that “narcissistic people did not wake up and become that”. Although there is no consensus on its causes, it probably is “an injury from childhood that comes from unmet needs”.
According to Cape Town-based therapist Bryan Hellmann, “there is no proof or evidence of a direct cause. As narcissism is a personality disorder, it can be the result of inherited genes, or a result of the environment in which the person was raised, or a combination of both. In other words, nature and nurture can play a role”.
Hellmann does not mince his words when he says: “[A] personality disorder per se cannot be cured. However, they can be treated in a way. The person, if they are willing to change, can change their behaviour in some way. The key element is the desire to change”.
Concurring with Mberira, Hellmann adds that pertaining to narcissism, psychotherapy will be the best form of treatment. “There is no medication cure for narcissism. The treatment relies solely on the individual taking responsibility for their impact on others and wanting to work on this impact.”
However, narcissists often battle with two conditions simultaneously and land in therapy because of the other ailment, Mberira says. “They may have issues with drug abuse (because of their self-image challenges) and seek therapy for the drug abuse or they may become depressed (and seek help for that).” Extreme narcissists are unlikely to opt for professional help as they may see nothing wrong with their conduct as well as think that they are better than any professional therapist.
Although some people may cope better in relationships with narcissists, Hellmann says “others may suffer grave emotional, specifically self-esteem, issues as a result. The narcissistic person can certainly create the destruction of their relationship if they are unable or unwilling to change and work on themselves. Typically, a narcissist will take a weaker person as a partner, even a co-dependent partner in some cases. This will allow them to dominate and take control of the relationship.”
Mberira concurs. “They are bound to attract a person who has a need to please. They (the partners) think the more they give, hopefully some day, they will get something back.”
Windhoek-based therapist Dr Shaun Whittaker says: “Narcissism is usually viewed as problematic if it is extreme and part of a narcissistic personality disorder. Such personalities are significantly self-absorbed and harbour an exaggerated idea of themselves. They imagine themselves to be better than others. They often have no compassion for others, but yet need constant approval from others”.
The irony, he says, is that the narcissist is actually quite fragile and, of course, is associated with the conventional male gender role. “Narcissists had been spoiled too much (eg first grandson) or often received too much disapproval as a child (eg ‘act like a man’).”
The selfie writing need not be on the wall, but time is important. “Such personality disorders require long-term psychotherapy (eg for a period of 12 months), but are difficult to change.”
Dr Mias Strauss, a clinical and industrial psychologist also based in the capital, says the tell-tale signs could present as follows:
• Expecting to be recognised as superior even without achievements that warrant it
• Exaggerating your achievements and talents
• Being preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate
