Johanna is Namibia: Not an iPhone filter

This is a country where people will swear they love ‘natural beauty’, then immediately panic when they see it in the wild.

Enter the queen, Johanna Swartbooi, making others want to ditch their hoarded beauty products. People do not hate her; they are just jealous.

No contour, no cement-level foundation, no eyelashes so long they need a runway clearance code – just a Namibian woman with the audacity to look like a human being.

You’d swear she showed up at the pageant holding a vuvuzela, the way some people reacted. Etse, the outrage was loud enough to be heard from Aranos to Otjinene.

So, let’s take a slow walk down this dusty road of criticism and respond one by one. And please, drink your water. Some of these comments are so dry they could chap your lips.

CRITICISM #1: “She’s too natural.”

Too natural. Imagine that. Namibia, the land of mopane worms and raw, unfiltered nature suddenly can’t handle a woman who is naturally beautiful. The way some folks behaved, you’d think Miss Universe had changed its theme to ‘Instagram Filters Only’.

Apparently, ‘natural beauty’ is fine as a concept – like recycling or a Virgin Active membership – but God forbid when it appears in real life. People wrote entire essays online as if our queen arrived bare-faced and said, “Good morning, I’m here to offend your self-worth”.

Well, here’s the thing: being natural is not a crime. If anything, she showed the world what Namibia looks like before payday: authentic, unpretentious and not depending on contour lines to navigate.

CRITICISM #2: “She should wear more makeup.”

Are you actually serious with that? Some critics suggest makeup like it’s a moral obligation.

As if the United Nations passed a resolution: Every woman must look like she’s attending a wedding at Ongwediva. Failure to comply is punishable by Facebook comments.

People demand foundation so thick it could stop a bullet. They want highlighter so bright it could signal airplanes at Hosea Kutako International Airport. They want eyelashes that double as windshield wipers. For what?

Let’s be honest, some of these commenters don’t actually love makeup – it’s their prescription. Makeup is usually prescribed by dermatologists and psychiatrists for Lookus challengitis (LC). LC sufferers live with mild to moderate visual adversity.

CRITICISM #3: “She doesn’t look ‘Namibian enough’.”

Ah, the classic Namibian pastime: deciding who looks Namibian. People pulled out tribal measuring sticks like they work at home affairs.

Apparently, Namibia has one official face. A national template. A facial blueprint certified by the ministry of works.

What’s wild is that many of those complaining wouldn’t recognise half the tribes on a map if you offered them a cold Stoney. Namibia has more ethnic diversity than most countries its size, but there’s always one empty head lurking online, waiting to embarrass their ancestors.

Johanna simply reminded the nation that Namibia is not one shade, one hair texture or one cheekbone alignment. And that, my friend, is exactly why she’s perfect for the global stage.

CRITICISM #4: “She’s not pageant material.”

Every year, Namibia produces a new batch of couch experts who have never set foot in a pageant but somehow know exactly what ‘pageant material’ is.

Then again, it’s always the ones who haven’t won anything since high school.

These experts want someone who looks like she’s permanently on fast-forward. They want the dramatic walk, the hair flip, the slow-motion turn invented by Beyoncé in 2007. They want perfection cooked in a pressure cooker – the same way they cook their matangara.

Johanna showed up calm, elegant, composed, and that confused them. Namibia isn’t used to women who are beautiful without looking like they’re campaigning for the title of minister of contouring.

CRITICISM #5: “She should represent us better.”

Represent us better? My sister in Christ … she’s representing us perfectly!

Namibia is natural beauty. I had to repeat that for emphasis. Namibia is simplicity, confidence and a touch of dust on your shoes. Namibia is effortless, not extra.

If anything, she’s representing the part of us we pretend not to see – the part before the weaves, before the eyebrows, before the Black Opal gets opened like an emergency toolbox.

FINAL WORD: LEAVE OUR QUEEN ALONE

Johanna is doing something revolutionary: stepping onto a global stage without borrowing a different identity. No artificial face.

No rented confidence. Just a woman from Namibia, being Namibian.

If that shakes people, good.

Let their insecurities do Zumba.

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