Apparently, everyone has a toxic person in their life.
The toxic ex. The toxic boss. The toxic friend. The toxic auntie. The colleague who can turn a simple “Good morning” into workplace conflict.
“My ex? Yoh, toxic.”
“My boss? Don’t even get me started.”
“My friend? She’s just jealous.”
“My family? That one needs a whole separate article.”
But here is a question we don’t ask nearly enough: What if I am the toxic one?
Eish. Suddenly the conversation is uncomfortable.
We have become very good at recognising unhealthy behaviour in other people, but when the mirror turns towards us, suddenly there are explanations, circumstances and witnesses that need to be called.
Being toxic does not mean having a bad day or occasionally saying something you regret. We all get jealous, defensive, angry or moody. We are human.
The problem comes when unhealthy behaviour becomes a pattern: manipulation, constant criticism, controlling behaviour, guilt-tripping, disrespect, jealousy, emotional blackmail and the amazing ability to never be responsible for anything.
If there is drama at work, at home, in the WhatsApp group and even at the family braai, everybody else is always the problem.
Ai, my friend.
Toxicity also has many departments.
At work, there is the colleague who happily takes credit when the project succeeds but develops sudden memory loss when something goes wrong.
“Who approved this?”
“Not me.”
“But you were in the meeting.”
“Was I?”
Jislaaik.
Then there is the colleague who knows who is resigning, who got an increase, who is dating whom and who is fighting with management sometimes before HR even knows.
Families have their own version.
You arrive at a family gathering peacefully, carrying your potato salad, and within five minutes: “When are you getting married?”
“You’ve gained weight.”
“Your cousin already bought a house.”
Suddenly you are eating your potato salad while reconsidering your entire existence.
And, of course, the classic: “But what will people say?”
My dear, people will talk whether you marry, divorce, gain weight, lose weight, succeed or fail. Kan ons net asemhaal?
Friendships are no different.
You get promoted: “Must be nice. Some of us don’t have connections.”
You buy a car: “I heard those models give problems.”
You lose weight: “Are you sick?”
You gain weight: “Yoh, you are enjoying life.”
Sometimes you want to ask: What exactly would make you happy for me?
Then there are romantic relationships. Love should not feel like employment at a private security company.
“Where are you?”
“At work.”
“Send a picture.”
“Why?”
“Just send.”
My broer, am I a missing person?
Constant suspicion, manipulation, jealousy, insults and control are not signs of deep love. Over time, these behaviours can make someone question their confidence, decisions and even their worth.
The confident person becomes quieter. The cheerful person starts walking on eggshells. Someone who once trusted themselves begins questioning everything.
That is what unhealthy relationships can do: They slowly make people smaller.
But before we start forwarding this article to our exes, bosses and cousins, let us return to the uncomfortable part.
What if you are the toxic one?
Maybe you never apologise.
Maybe you use the silent treatment when you don’t get your way.
Maybe you gossip about everyone and then wonder why nobody trusts you.
Maybe you criticise your partner but become defensive when they criticise you.
Maybe every friendship ends badly, every ex was “crazy”, every boss hated you and every colleague was jealous.
At some point, liefie, we need to investigate the common denominator.
Ouch.
Ask yourself: Can people disagree with me without being punished? Do I respect boundaries? Can I apologise without adding “but”? Do I genuinely celebrate other people? Do I listen when someone tells me I hurt them, or immediately explain why they deserved it?
Most importantly, if several people have raised the same issue about me, am I willing to consider that they may have a point?
Recognising unhealthy behaviour in ourselves does not make us terrible people. Refusing to acknowledge it is where the real problem begins.
And when someone else repeatedly hurts you, there also comes a time to say: Enough.
Enough does not always mean cutting someone off dramatically and posting motivational quotes about “protecting my peace” five minutes later.
Sometimes it means creating distance. Sometimes it means setting boundaries. Sometimes it means having an uncomfortable conversation. And sometimes it does mean walking away.
The goal is not to label everyone toxic.
It is to build healthier relationships while having enough self-awareness to recognise when we are contributing to the problem.
So before you send that three-page Whats-App paragraph explaining why everyone else needs to change, perhaps put the phone down for a moment.
Look in the mirror.
Am I toxic, or are they toxic?
Sometimes it is them.
Sometimes it is us.
And sometimes, eish …
We both need to do better.
– Charmaine Tjizumaue writes on social issues.
