Unhappy Endings

There’s more to a breakup than a heated exchange or a letter of goodbye. The effects are truly undesirable – sleepless nights, a loss of appetite, clouded thoughts, endless crying… This is because people become emotionally attached to their relationships.

Their lifestyles change in order to adapt to their partner’s needs and wants. This could mean going on a date at a specific area because you want to make your partner happy or giving them gifts based on what they like. But when all of these things are ripped away from you, it can be difficult to adapt to a life where your partner no longer needs you.

Psychologist Eunice Gonzo said it is truly a terrible experience which affects people mentally. “Acute stress and reactive depression as result of a relationship breakup is one of the most commonly reported problems in my psychological practices today. It surfaces in a variety of forms and severity and differs from person to person and relationship to relationship.

“Despite the latter, what is common to each case is the pain that goes along with break ups irrespective of who dumped who.”

The most common psychological effects experienced by the dumper are: Dread, guilt, isolation and grief postponement, says Gonzo.

“Because the dumper knows the end may be coming, there is less shock and trauma involved in the ending, but the stress of contemplating and disconnecting from a loved one is often no less stressful.”

Surprisingly, breakups are said to be predictable. A few weeks into the relationship, the spark begins to fade away. Based on who you may be speaking to, some blame it on distance, while others say that they just stopped falling in love.

This is the result of tons of breakups, even in marriages, leading some people to engage in affairs or experiences to help make them ‘feel alive’ again.

Hanayi Shakes Bantwini says the most difficult thing about his worst breakup a few years ago is not knowing why.

“It was in 2015. We were cool but after three months she started to put distance between us.

The fire that once burned in our relationship faded away and whenever I asked her what the problem was, she never said a word. We are in contact now but she still doesn’t want to tell me.”

But is there a scientific explanation for this kind of emotion? Perhaps. The answer may lie in why the relationship started in the first place. Scientists are calling it a fantasy bond, or an idea of being with someone and solely depending on the feelings you have for them, but not necessarily understanding interests and other things you may have in common which make the relationship last. And this creates a second aspect leading to breakups: Identity. Or at least, a clash thereof.

Breakups are not an easy thing to just shake off. It takes a lot of time and if you really get into the scientific part of it, you’d know that there are several activities in the brain that start changing after a breakup which enable a pain experience, even if it is not physical.

However, thinking patterns change (leading to obsessive thoughts and behaviours) as breakups are quite traumatic events. And this is demonstrated in Facebook user Annah Stacia’s story.

“I dated him for a year and a few months just to find out that he had another girl of three years. You really want to stay, but you know it’s not going to work out, so it hurts so much that everything you do reminds you of him.”

Fillipe Cellor also went through a terrible breakup because of trust issues. “We were together for couple of months and we planned our future. Later, because my phone was off for a week, she broke up with me because apparently I was out with a different girl. Now she’s gone but still single. So am I.”

Gonzo shared more on the ‘dumped experience’.

“The person experiences psychological pain emanating from feelings of rejection, betrayal, or feeling abandoned by the object of their affection,” she said.

“Because romantic love actually activates the part of the brain which is associated with cravings for food and drugs, a similar experience of craving and withdrawal usually follows after a breakup.”

Then comes stress response. “Like other traumatic events, the dumped person is likely to experience feelings of shock, denial, anger, sadness, grief, and at times he or she might even attempt to bargain with the ex to reconsider.

With time and therapy the person eventually comes to accept that it’s over. “Identity shifts involve switching from being a couple to being single again. Rapid shifts in identity cause disorientation for most people, requiring time and emotional and cognitive processing to reorient to their new identity. There can be a loss of status, home, friends, time with children, extended family, places of worship, financial resources, and other changes and losses that must be dealt with, but are not often anticipated. Above all, the loss of ‘what might have been’,” Gonzo pointed out.

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