Troll Terminology

I, the Urban Single Mom, am worried.

In fact, I am worried, confused and conflicted. About Troll 2. Mind you, I am also worried, confused and conflicted about Troll 1 (more on that cringe worthy story next week), but Troll 2’s worry has a time span. And my anxiety does not work well under pressure.Here’s the plot: Troll 2, my five year old Taurean bundle of love and insanity, is my second born, baby of the house and a ferocious lover of food, Spiderman and bums of all kinds. People bums, animal bums, cartoon bums, his own bum. I don’t know what it is, but there is something about a round, plush backside that he finds incredibly funny. Funny to watch, funny to touch, funny to fall on.To my knowledge, no one has ever told him that bums are funny; he kind of just came to that realisation himself.And therein lies the crux of my worry. Troll 2… and his budding new perception about life. There is just no stopping him. His reason is beyond reason, and quite frankly I’m afraid as to what will happen, in a month’s time, when like a reformed criminal, he has to be reintroduced to civilised society. Take a look at life… according to Troll2’s terminology… As a quick side note: All Troll 2 terminology is conducted in monologue. This is probably because most of the time, The Urban Family and I are too stunned or perplexed to respond to both his ranting and his extraordinarily big vocabulary. This suits him just fine, and I suspect that is how he prefers it.Re: The mountains whilst commuting between the city and the farm – ‘Hey! Who put that giant face there on the ground? Maybe it was Jesus. Maybe Jesus thought that giant face was ugly and said, ‘I don’t want that giant face anymore’. Then he threw it away! Mamma! Jesus mustn’t throw things away! Now WE have to look at that ugly giant face.’Re: Complimenting his aunt, The Wise One – ‘Nanna, you look pretty! Everything about you is pretty… Just not your nose, that’s too big. And your tummy, that’s too big also. You mustn’t eat all your food Nanna! You mustn’t!’Re: The definition of playing – ‘Mamma! I’m not playing with the donkey; I’m just laughing with it and touching it. Not playing! Just laughing and touching.’Re: The newly installed water sewage system – ‘That uncle came today to put pipes in the ground and in the walls. It’s to make the water new. And then, when we open up the tap, we must go get our plates because ice cream will come out. And juice. It’s the truth. That’s what the uncle said!’ Re: On the importance of a balanced diet – (crying after I threatened no TV unless he finishes his dinner) ‘Tonight I’m going to eat all my food and meat and spisgusting (his word for disgusting) trees (his word for vegetables). Then one day I’ll become The Hulk. And I’ll kill all the moms who make their babies eat trees! All the moms in the world!’And perhaps the most perplexing Troll Terminology of all,Re: Stranger danger – ‘I didn’t do it! I didn’t speak to that strange man by the shops! I just looked at the chocolate and smiled and rubbed my tummy, like this ‘yum, yum’. I didn’t say he must buy me the chocolate! He just wanted to buy it for me himself!’Don’t get me wrong, I love the little bugger with all my might, crazy personality and all… but between you and me, I shudder to think what will happen next year, when his teachers and I have to start getting him Big School ready.- urbansinglemom@gmail.com

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