To Pay or Not Pay?

Lobola’s not something we often think about. That is, until our relationships become serious. Suddenly it’s not about ‘I love him, he loves me’ any more.

There’s tradition to uphold and families to negotiate with and while, most of the time, it can go off without a hitch, sometimes life can throw a spanner into the lobola works. What if your significant other can’t afford lobola? What if the woman of your dreams doesn’t want to accept lobola? We took to Facebook and Twitter to find out our readers views on bride price…

Yes, I will pay lobola. And I will pay the amount the family stipulates. It’s a sign of my manhood. Marriage is not child’s play. I can’t take you seriously if you want to marry my relative and you can’t arrange lobola.

Personally, I don’t want to be paid for because I think lobola has moved a long way from what it was/should have been about (a gesture of good faith and respect between the two families). But I’ve decided that I will be paid for because I know the elders of my family would take it as a sign of disrespect towards them if I’m not. Hopefully I’ll marry someone who’ll let me pay for him too, or let me repay him in some way. I feel lobola not only unbalances the scales in a relationship, but kind of implies the woman isn’t as lucky to marry her husband and her family have nothing to be grateful for as far as the groom’s upbringing and/ or family is concerned.

My friends and I always debate about this, some feel their future husbands should not take away from money they can use to start their life together on lobola, some say it all just feeds the mentality of men thinking they own women and most just want to consider the act outdated. Others say they should even be consulted so as to increase the price, so their future husbands understand that they did not come cheap… Personally, I have my reservations too (is this my worth? How to fit tradition into modern relationships/which traditions to keep, etc.), but all in all it comes down to the fact that marriage is as much about family as it is the two involved and when the elders are happy, things go much better.

My parents would blow up if I were to get married without him paying lobola for me. It’s something which is very important in my culture. I would never get my parents blessing if lobola isn’t paid. Lobola is not for you (as the woman), it’s for your folks. My mom says it’s what she gets for the way she raised me.

Realistically, I can’t seem to avoid it. If you marry someone from another culture, you accept their traditions. I would prefer it to be ‘in kind’ rather than in cash, though and I am disturbed by the tradition of lobola being abused, generally. It was originally a gift, a token of appreciation… Now certain families have come to see it as a money-making business, which is regrettable. But for me, as an outsider, there’s not much I can do to push for ‘reform’: it would be seen as disrespectful.

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