The silent grief of miscarriage

Miscarriage is one of the most common forms of pregnancy loss, yet it is one of the least openly discussed.

Women who experience this loss often endure physical pain alongside a deep, invisible grief that lingers long after the body has healed.

There is often a profound sense of being misunderstood, unheard and emotionally isolated.

The most common type is early miscarriage, which typically occurs in the first few weeks of pregnancy, often even before the pregnancy has been announced, leaving many women to grieve in silence.

Late miscarriages, meanwhile, are frequently accompanied by anxiety about how others will respond, with well-meaning but dismissive remarks such as “you can try again”, “you’re young, you’ll recover quickly”, or “at least it was early”.

PSYCHOLOGICAL EFFECTS

Miscarriage can lead to intense emotional and psychological distress, often leaving individuals overwhelmed by grief, guilt, and a deep sense of loss.

Sadness may be especially intense in the early days and weeks following the miscarriage, often accompanied by shock and emotional numbness, particularly when the loss is sudden or unexpected.

Many individuals experience guilt or self-blame, questioning whether they did something wrong or wondering if they could have prevented the loss. Anger may also arise, directed inward, toward medical professionals, a partner, or simply the situation itself.

Feelings of loneliness are common, especially when the grief is not openly acknowledged or supported.

Some individuals develop symptoms of depression, including persistent low mood, a loss of interest in daily activities, changes in sleep and appetite, and feelings of hopelessness. Anxiety about future pregnancies is also common, along with intrusive thoughts, nightmares, and hypervigilance, symptoms often associated with post-traumatic stress, mainly when the miscarriage was physically or emotionally distressing.

HEALING AND SUPPORT

One of the challenges women face when grieving after a miscarriage is a lack of social rituals for mourning. These religious or cultural practices may include intimate memorial services, memory boxes containing letters to the baby or ultrasound pictures, and designated times for reflection.

By offering a structured way to process grief, such rituals validate the loss and allow for social acknowledgment. Although they do not erase the pain, they create space for the grieving and healing process to take place.

After a miscarriage, women may need physical time off from strenuous activities. To support them, it’s helpful to assist with day-to-day responsibilities such as childcare and household tasks. Offering to accompany them during self-care activities can also provide comfort and companionship.

Most importantly, listen without trying to give advice. This helps avoid unintentionally harmful phrases while allowing the loss to be acknowledged with empathy.

The grief of a partner is often overlooked, as miscarriage is primarily viewed through the lens of the woman’s experience. While her grief is central, the partner may also experience a deep emotional response to the loss. Differences in grieving styles can lead to misunderstandings.

For example, women may express grief through talking or crying, while men may grieve in silence or distract themselves with work or other activities. These differences can be misinterpreted as indifference or emotional distance. Therefore, compassion, open communication, and shared vulnerability are essential for healing together.

Grieving can be a lengthy process, and it is important to respect and honour that journey. While unexpected waves of grief may arise from certain triggers, having open conversations about seeking professional support can make a significant and positive difference. Regular check-ups with healthcare providers ensure physical recovery and address any complications, which can also ease anxiety about health.

Grief is a natural response to loss and is not classified as a mental disorder. However, certain grief-related conditions may be diagnosed when the response becomes prolonged, intense, or significantly impairs daily functioning. Mental health support plays a crucial role in helping individuals and couples process their emotions, rebuild their sense of identity, and find a way forward.

Psychologists and therapists who specialise in grief, trauma, and perinatal loss can provide compassionate and supportive counselling during this difficult time.

Recognising the mental health impact of miscarriage and creating space for that grief is essential to breaking the silence and stigma surrounding pregnancy loss.

– Pure Mlambo is a registered clinical psychologist.

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