Take Back Your People – Diplomatic Translation

The United Kingdom (UK) is in need of strong and capable individuals to fill vital roles, such as packing heavy boxes, operating heavy machinery, cleaning the streets, caring for the elderly and collecting rubbish.

However, it seems Namibia has been sending over individuals who are not up to par. The British diplomat may not have explicitly stated this, but I have a knack for decoding diplomatic language.

Diplomacy is the art of bullshitting for a salary, and diplomats have a secret code only other diplomats understand.

But fear not, for I can decipher their cryptic statements for you.

When a diplomat says “we’re committed to finding a solution”, they really mean to say “we’re committed to dragging this out as long as possible and hoping everyone forgets about it”.

Another example is when they say “we’re working closely with our partners”.

It should read: “We’re hoping our partners will do all the heavy lifting while we take credit for it.”

What the diplomat was trying to say is that the problem does not only lie with the receiver, but that the sender has been neglecting quality control.

Of all Namibians who migrated to the UK, 1 500 have been rejected, 27 can be tolerated, and an even bigger number is on the run, hiding from immigration authorities.

They may speak in circles, but I have the ability to decode the whole thing for free.

“Namibia has been sending young people they don’t want to deal with at home to the UK in the guise of going for greener pastures.”

This is what I heard while you were fixated on the ‘rwah-rwah’ English.

“Arikana Mukuru tusuve!” a mother would pray, thanking the heavens that they could now be at peace.

The young cub will now be someone else’s problem in the UK.

For example, it is reported that the UK government may have had to pay for an unusual deep-tissue head massage for an immigrant who was not feeling very well recently.

You see, immigration is a complex issue, and it is not always easy to separate the wheat from the chaff.

But the UK must make an effort to attract the right kind of people – people who will contribute to the country in a positive way and not just become a burden on the UK’s social services and psychiatry budget.

The UK could encourage the sale of typical Namibian foods, such as pap, mahangu, proper beef, kapana spice and marathon chicken.

They can also just move the matangara from the pet food section to the right shelf. The world is coming, and the UK must just get with the programme to attract the right people.

I decoded the British diplomat’s suggestion that this takes a page from Namibia’s playbook.

A mass recruitment drive could be organised throughout the country, Namibian Defence Force style.

Those with potential will compete in various challenges, such as emotional intelligence and aptitude tests, basic addition and subtraction mathematics skills, strength, agility and fitness.

A list would be compiled, and Rodman Katjaimo would then be contracted to do the logistics.

On a serious note, more than 1 500 people are to return to this country, find a way to live and relearn their ethnic languages, but those at home are pretending it was something on Netflix.

Where will they sleep when they get here?

Some of these people left with other people’s money that they promised they would repay in pounds sterling, and they have not made a single payment.

Some left their lovers without so much as a goodbye, while some never bothered to even send a text back home to say “ondafika”.

Are we ready for the drama?

Relax, sometimes we need to use satire to magnify ideas and issues to encourage deeper thought and debate.

The question remains: To stay or go to the UK?

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