Imagine a scene where someone you truly love decided to disappear on you without any explanations.
This is what came up in my head: It’s been a while since I said his name.
I haven’t heard that name in a long time, but it’s like these suppressed feelings are coming back to haunt me.
Do you know what I have realised? I’m still angry.
Well, not angry, but mad and furious and disappointed and depressed at the same time.
How would you feel if someone decided to steal your heart out of the blue? And you comply because you’re deluded by the idea of finally being happy.
So you share all your secrets, you’re elated for each other, and then you’re left with no explanations, nothing – for what? It’s as if you’re forgotten, despite the hours you would spend in this person’s company every day feeling like an adventure that would never end.
Bam! You’re hit with the realisation that your time has been wasted and you’re never getting it back again.
So off they would go, living their best life and acting like nothing ever happened, probably happy.
But you?
You’re left in the dark about everything.
You scramble to text, call and say something or demand some kind of explanation to help you sleep better at night, but all you hear is the voice of a robotic woman who tells you that number does not exist.
Because of this, you’re forced to move on, making yourself promises that by New Year’s Day or whatever day makes sense to you, everything will be a-OK when actually it is just a lie to get you going.
It works, somehow, until you think that you’re ready to fall for other people.
It’s supposed to be true love, right?
Wrong.
There’s an uncomfortableness in your chest that you want to let loose in the form of ‘loving’ someone else.
Or maybe it’s a need to let someone else shelter you from the decrepit hole inside your heart.
And it lingers there, quietly, settling in the dark like it ain’t a thing, but you feel it every second of every dang day, especially when you’re lying silently in bed trying to figure out how things could have been, should have been.
This feeling is so deep and dark that you’re trying to find questions and signs in the past to help you solve the puzzles mysteriously haunting you.
Like: Who is behind the number and why was I lied to? How is it possible that I fell so hard for someone that they would decide to leave me like this? Was I delusional all this time? Is this person out there somewhere, pretending that I am no one and nothing? I still have those messages which said I am needed and loved and would be cared for eternally.
I was told that I would always be protected and all the other men in my life are not worth my time.
What was the point of becoming my shield, my protector and everything else to keep people from hurting me? It’s so ironic that you’re the one who drove the knife in my back.
Sometimes I can’t help but wonder, did he leave and get married to someone else? Does he have a child with someone? It’s been a long time.
Anything can happen. I don’t want to imagine how broken I would feel if that ever came to be.
I have always been myself and have never treated anyone like anything other than human. What am I supposed to do with myself now?
