Some Christmas gift ideas for all of us

MOST of us wait until the last minute to scramble for whatever Christmas gifts are still available on the shelves, almost always at exorbitant prices. So, I’ve decided to dispense with some free advice for great gift ideas for those most in need – girly as that may seem.

President Pohamba: Get wifey some time for rest and relaxation. And don’t be a gweerie. The farm has too much work and you go there every year. It can’t be nice living in a plush house with people everywhere and the bloody roof is leaking. Take the old girl to a nice holiday resort and it doesn’t have to be in Namibia. While she gets nice spa treatments you can catch up on some reading. You still have some of those Presidential Commissions of Enquiry reports to read. You guys look old andtired. Enjoy your bloody money now. Just don’t get a gomcha to pay for a trip to Disneyland.
Knowledge Katti: The Knowledge Foundation (real name) asked all regional governors to identity a project in their regions that could benefit from the foundation. The projects, one for each region, earmarked for poverty alleviation – would receive N$20 000. There’s a nice little book at Book Den. It’s called ‘The idiots guide to giving’. It talks about generosity unconfined. It also talks about not looking for publicity when you give, especially if it’s such piss poor amounts. Get that book for yourself with your millions. How much does one of your cars cost and how much are you giving to those projects again? Also, how much of that will you get back as a tax write off? Seriously now?
Our sports codes: A large helping of common sense. Just don’t know where the f@^k that is for sale.
Artists: Would someone please wrap up a large bundle of talent and throw it to these guys. Especially these kwaito superstars. Lord help me!
Religious nuts: See gift idea for sports codes.
Journalists: Let’s start from scratch. If you do not possess the elementary skills and values of a true journalist why don’t you go off and find yourself a nice job in government or Pupkewitz. And if you have to ask what those skills and values are you are the one I am talking about.
Tenderpreneurs: Calling yourself a businessman if you solely survive on dodgy contracts fromcrooked civil servants should be a crime.
Druggies: You guys need Jesus! And you know it. They sell him in large quantities at small prices at churches all over Namibia. Just look around you. No, not the bloody shebeen. The church next to it!
Feminists: A t-shirt or apron with ‘I live for my man’ printed on it might earn you a savage beating with a practical shoe,so please handle your favourite feminist with care this Christmas. Maybe a subscription to Sister Namibia magazine would do the trick if you want your favourite feminists to be exposed to such hardcore porn as the logoof the Ball Holder Award. This was Sister’s attempt to bring attention to sexism in the media. But it was a dick with a golden star on the tip. Luckily they’ve dropped the ball on that campaign.
Teachers: OK, this is the last time I will ever say anything about teachers, for this week. Don’t expect anything from anyone. Just buy yourself a damn dictionary.
Fathers: How many times must I say we are scum? Guys, you don’t deserve jack shit. And don’t go buy anything for yourself. Go to the LAC’s website or office so that they can tell you how your failure to pay maintenance influences and effects your offspring. Did I say we were scum? For a nice Christmas surprise actually buy your kids some stuff. All of your kids. Even those you haven’t told the wife about.

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