Shame on Pregnancy Shaming

There is little in this world that smells as good as a freshly bathed baby. When we think of comforting gestures or moments that melt our heart, many of us will recall the first time we felt a baby clasp our finger with all five of their tiny ones and the sound of an infant’s laughter or first spoken word.

Inarguably beautiful and esteemed as a blessing, it is a wonder how all this is forgotten when a young, mature and unmarried woman announces that she is pregnant, and a baby, that is always a blessing in theory, becomes something to be ashamed or to get rid of before it ruins your life.

Though teen pregnancies are certainly not to be encouraged by virtue of the fact that, generally, teenagers cannot provide for themselves or their offspring, pregnancy shaming takes an interesting turn when women with steady jobs, in committed relationships or who have made the decision to raise their child endure an assault of ill will when they share the news of the impending birth.

For employed 24-year-old Frieda Vatileni, who is in a long-term, committed relationship with the father, the news of her pregnancy brought a surprising amount of pity and unqualified nastiness.

“People said the harshest things. Things like: You could be more successful without a baby. Your child is not blessed as he will be born out of wedlock. It’s so disgusting to see you pregnant. Why did you even keep the baby? I feel really sorry for you for falling pregnant,” says Frieda.

“My baby has the support of both of his parents. We both work and we are both committed to supporting and raising our baby together. We are trying to be the best parents we can to our child.

“People react negatively because maybe they just do not see you in the light of being a mother, or more so, being ready to be a mother.

“Also, others are disappointed as they had expected you to get married and do things the right way. In today’s world you get judged for almost anything.You have to develop a tough skin and walk on by. People talking didn’t get to me; it was just irritating as I didn’t understand why people couldn’t view this as a blessing as much as I did.”

Unlike Frieda, Spoken Word star and copywriter Nunu Namises had her first child when she was 19 years old with a man she was in a relationship with until the child turned one.

Today Nunu, a single mum of two, is tasked with providing for her children financially and emotionally and says that people are “way too concerned about whether or not you are still with the father.” She also believes that people can be less harsh about teenage pregnancies.

“I was never embarrassed. I am not saying teenage girls should be having children, but I would like to emphasise that it should not be seen as such a negative thing. Being a teenage mom made me who I am. Had I not been one, I never would have been responsible or learned to love like this. Many of my other positive traits and how I see the world and situations come from having had my first child when I did. And who are we kidding? Kids are having sex, but what are we doing to teach them to do it responsibly?” Nunu said.

This need for people to come to terms with reality is perhaps the most salient point when it comes to unexpected pregnancies and the shaming of young mothers expecting unexpectedly.

Firstly, because the reality is that children as young as thirteen are willingly having sex and secondly because traditional family structures and unions seem to be a thing of the past.

Though a nuclear family made of two heterosexual people bound together by holy matrimony and two children seems to be the familial unit most above reproach, the truth is many young people are not in a rush to get married and some don’t believe in the institution at all.

As relationships continue to be more loosely defined and the prevalent liberal attitude towards intercourse sees more and more people having and enjoying sex long before marriage, the risk of women becoming pregnant outside of meaningful relationships has increased.

This is the reality of world we are living in.

However, if a woman decides to raise her child as an individual or does not believe that the man who has impregnated her is a suitable long term match, why is it that the woman is not respected for taking on the responsibility of her actions and not entering into a union that may prove to be disharmonious and potentially detrimental to the child?

Are these women really being scorned simply because the world has irrefutable proof that they were having sex in a society where people waiting until marriage is more mythical than mainstream?

Ironically, though pregnancy shaming is rife, the majority of people responding to the question of why unmarried women are shamed and when it is acceptable to fall pregnant on social media are largely in support of an end to pregnancy shaming.

Speaking up for women and exposing an upsetting double standard is Privilege Chinangare who says: “Who cares when and how I decide to have a baby? After all, it’s my choice. Society is so chauvinistic. When boys become fathers they are heroes but when women get pregnant they are shunned! Does it mean we need men to be whole? As long as you are financially stable you can go ahead and get yourself pregnant!”

Providing some sobering thoughts from a male perspective is Sakariah Namandje.

“It is not necessary that one should get married before having children but a woman must at least be financially independent and in a good position to raise a baby. Most women in their 20s are still studying and they are financially unstable. One must never depend on the man (boyfriend) because all men can be fathers but it takes real ones to look after their loved ones and offspring.”

Elegantly expounding on the reality that “marriage is not for everyone” is Virginia Kugara who says:

“Women are getting more and more independent and a woman can have a child any time she feels like it, as long as she is financially stable and can raise her child. There are a lot of great people in this world who were raised by single moms.

A woman is the strongest being on this planet and a child is groomed by the mother, regardless of whether the father is in the picture or not. Having a child becomes wrong when the woman goes to dump the baby with elderly grandparents who are done raising kids and should be enjoying their pension! If you can’t raise it, don’t have it!”

As for the two 20-something year old Namibian women raising their children with pride, their advice is to stay strong and focused on the life you have brought into this world.

Brand new and beaming mum, Frieda advises young mothers to remember the strength they came to know during childbirth.

“You are already an extremely strong human being to bring a child into this world. Continue to be strong for your kids after birth. When I look at my child I can’t help but love him deeper every second of the day.

Don’t put your frustrations with absent fathers on your children. Do not drift away from your children just because the father is absent. Do the best you can for your child at whatever moment, push to the limit, shower them with love. They are beautiful little creations. They will bring happiness to your life. Try your best to be the best mother you can be to your child.”

In an age of information overload, Sunrise is The Namibian’s morning briefing, delivered at 6h00 from Monday to Friday. It offers a curated rundown of the most important stories from the past 24 hours – occasionally with a light, witty touch. It’s an essential way to stay informed. Subscribe and join our newsletter community.