Relationships and Abuse

Domestic violence and abuse can happen to anyone, yet the problem is often overlooked or excused.

We need to understand that abuse does not discriminate, it affects victims of any age, gender and even economic standing.

This is especially true because sometimes the abuse is not even physical, it can be emotional. Often people find it close to impossible to get out of an abusive relationship. So, when is the right time to get out of an abusive relationship? How can you know you are in an abusive relationship? Why do people stay in abusive relationships?

According to the Centre of Relationship Abuse and Awareness, an abusive relationship is basically a pattern of abusive and coercive behaviour used to maintain power and control over a partner. The nature of abuse can either be emotional, financial, sexual or physical and can include threats or isolation. When someone uses abuse and violence against a partner, it is always part of a larger pattern of control.

The centre further advises that it is vitally important to get out of an abusive relationship as soon as you notice one of the following signs:

They are controlling. He/she insists you ask for permission to go anywhere or do anything.

There’s isolation. He/she tries to cut you off from family and friends, and it can even go as far as depriving you of a phone.

There’s verbal abuse. He/she is constantly trying to degrade you and call you ugly names.

There are constant violent threats. He/she threatens to hurt you or even kill you.

There is obsession. He/she is constantly around you, constantly wants to know what you are doing and never gives you space.

One thing we need to understand is: People don’t change. Even if they apologise for causing you harm, chances are they would do it again. Never wait for someone to abuse you the second time before you act. The minute you start feeling threatened, the minute this person lays their hands on you, the minute this person threatens to take your life, leave.

I know some people speak for their abusers: “He/ she didn’t mean to hit me; I provoked him/her”. No, they meant to hurt you and that’s why they did it. Someone once told me that they chose to stay because the two of them love each other. Love is not pain, if they love you, I don’t think they would want to cause you pain.

In summary, it is imperative that we don’t blame ourselves for our abusers’ actions. They are very good at controlling and manipulating their victims, they have a way of trying to make you feel guilty for their actions but don’t fall victim to this. Red flags are there to help you make the right choice, so the minute you see unusual obsessive behaviour, leave. Don’t let anyone talk you out of your choices either and if you are afraid, you can always go to the police station and talk to someone. Just don’t wait until it is too late.

Natasha Lientjies Domingo is an author. Follow Tashas Short Stories on Facebook.

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