Rambler … Dear Comrade Jacob Zuma

Revolutionary greetings! I’m really disappointed in you. How do you lose an election you organise? Then again, I admire your resolve. You are reaching Robert Mugabe levels of bloody-mindedness.

I know you would say you didn’t lose and that the graphics on TV show the country is still largely under your party’s colours, but we all know your *rse was handed to you by overall-wearing hooligans with degrees and a wannabe-white pastor and his madam.

Comrade, please host the region’s rulers, especially revolutionary liberation movements, to rethink our strategies. When your party finally falls, the rest of us will see unprecedented levels of revolt.

Look how Kenneth Kaunda’s great Zambia fell from grace after his reign.

Even a white man was allowed to act as president when Michael Sata died.

How?

It should come as no surprise to you that I’m surprised at your party’s steady decline in the last few polls.

You should learn from Namibians.

They run elections where the president and party get over 80% of the vote despite Swapo struggling to house, feed and provide better than Apartheid-era levels of healthcare for a population smaller than that of Soweto.

They pride themselves on being the first country in Africa to use electronic voting machines.

Of course, they’ll never tell anyone that the Indian-made machines were as reliable as a domestic worker with a drinking problem, could easily be manipulated and that the votes cast could not be verified at all.

So, how do you lose an election with such a nice little tool at your disposal?

You have the power. What more do you want?

Just call your boy Hage Geingob for a lesson in some manga manga business. Just don’t try to do the calculations yourself.

I see your racist white-controlled media have recycled that Khwezi story.

When it rains, it showers…

Our road network in Africa might not be as advanced as yours but we have media control down pat.

Why do you allow your media to publish such stories?

You should learn how to handle media from your friends; The Bachelor, Uncle Bob, Swagger-man Jose and Brother M7 in Uganda. Presidents should not be embarrassed like this in their own backyard.

The media should serve the people, and therefore glorify the president.

Can you send those four young protestors to Angola for a nice holiday? Let them see what happens to women who don’t know where to read books.

I’m sure those girls can’t even cook pap properly but are eager to tell the world about their bedroom business.

I miss those days when our women were chaste.

Nowadays it’s just feminism this, equal rights that.

Did we defeat the white man to be treated like stepfathers in our own houses?

This liberal mindset has poisoned our youth. They talk to us as if we are their equals.

Today it’s South Africa, tomorrow people will bravely brandish placards saying ‘f*ck off Mugabe’ while uncle Bob gives a speech in his country, thinking the worst that could happen to them would be some friendly groping by presidential bodyguards.

Let them ask Itai Dzamara… if they can find the fool.

This attention-seeking Zimbabwean pastor, Evan Mawarire, crying about #ThisFlag and getting interviewed on white people’s TV, as a hero, should be careful.

In an age of information overload, Sunrise is The Namibian’s morning briefing, delivered at 6h00 from Monday to Friday. It offers a curated rundown of the most important stories from the past 24 hours – occasionally with a light, witty touch. It’s an essential way to stay informed. Subscribe and join our newsletter community.