Rambler

The Rambler celebrated his fifth year as columnist for The Namibian by, in true Rambler style, completely ignoring the milestone and simply continuing to bore the world with his zany lamentations about Namibia and Namibians. When will we stop this madness?

2013 was … Like burnt pea soup; a slimy, gooey, green and black, smelly mess. Good freaking riddance!

2014 will be … One long boring build-up to a brutal World Cup and then… Fokol! However, next year I will unabatedly continue to give zero f@cks.

If you met Shaduka what would you ask him?

Who do I need to talk to at NamPol HQ or the courts to make my various cases go away? Oh, and… why did you kill your wife, you scumbag?

Hero of the year?

Jacob Zuma! One man’s quest to conquer the world, one bad headline at a time. Oh, and then he insulted Africans. Bleddie poephol!

What would you do with Dillish’s N$3 million?

Buy myself a bachelors flat in Sewende Laan. If the N$3 million isn’t enough I’ll have to zula for the rest. Maybe Old Mutual can prop up and ‘sapport’ my housing project.

If your house was burning down, what three items would you grab?

If I had a house I would grab my grandmother, her nappies and my stash…

Joke of the year?

The Chosen One. Once he left Everton, they became a force again while he transformed his new team into mid-table strugglers faster than you could say loser or fool. That’s what you get for being a racist institution. How do you appoint someone just because he’s Scottish? You will learn.

Most embarrassing moment of the year?

Realising the City of Windhoek is not a city; is the biggest city (geographically) in Africa; is nothing but a front for skelms getting land for next to nothing and then selling it off, piece by piece, for millions; allowing skelms to build flats on business erven and selling it to unsuspecting working class residents who have to pay the more expensive business rates and taxes; allowing skelms to profit at the expense of the poor; has a PR department that is in worse shape than a Kwaito cat’s All Stars.

Worst fashion trend of the year?

Having money for fancy phones, credit to Facebook but not to buy essentials like electricity, school fees or bread. It’s getting out of hand. Someone must please talk to me about my priorities.

Worst moment of the NAMAs?

The whole thing. What? It’s mos true! I’m not scared of Tim.

Comeback of the year?

Useless PROs. If the shoe fits…

Most loved word of the year?

Backpay…. terug werkend. Thanks Saara and others.

Story of the year?

The housing crisis and politicians’ limp-dicked attempt to score political points from it.

Proudly Namibian moment of the year?

The proud moment came when I heard people bought front row tickets for the whole thing for N$50 a pop. I kid you not. Who in f@ck’s name would pay to see the end of the world? Namibians… Oshili, we are not serious.

Weirdest rumour about you?

That I’m a white girl. I am you know… deep down inside.

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