New Year’s Resolutions Are a Scam

New Year’s resolutions are the annual circus of promising ourselves we’ll be the better version of us, only to find that it is as fake as a Black Friday sale.

I’m no motivational guru, and won’t lie to you. New Year’s resolutions are as fake as a ruling party’s manifesto. But hey, circus freaks are always found at the circus.

Here’s a list of resolutions we all know won’t work, but we ‘kama’ make them anyway!

1. Resolution: Lose Weight and Get Fit

Ah, the dreadful favourite! Every January, gyms across Namibia swell with the promise of a fitter, healthier version of ourselves. We march in with our brand-new workout gear from Mr Price Sport, and those huge water bottles as if to water the desert. Fast forward to February, and our gym membership card is collecting dust faster than our unused treadmill. And then you are stuck with a 12-month contract you must pay off. My advice to you is, make peace with your form and if you can’t, try walking at least 6 000 steps each day. Walk to the service station for that packet of cigarettes, it is right there for f@#k’s sake. You could also force yourself into lucid dreaming and make sure you are running in your dreams.

2. Resolution: Eat Healthier

Ground nuts, more herbs and chia seeds – the holy trinity of the health-conscious. We pledge to banish fast food from our lives and embrace the wonders of clean eating. Cut to reality: the aroma of perfectly grilled kapana and salsa in Katutura stirs through the air and, suddenly, the resolution is renegotiated. Because, let’s face it, the crispiness of kapana, those bone pots in Tura and Lion King buckets are what make you feel alive. So, my advice to you is to try chicken. It is a vegetable and does not count as meat. It’s a vegetable, go argue with someone who cares.

3. Resolution: Save Money

The promise to tighten the purse strings and build a fortress of financial stability. It all starts well – homemade lunches, dodging friends calling you to go out, and meticulously budgeting. Then life happens. Someone dies and you must contribute your savings or you get scammed in a pyramid scheme run by Amushelelo. What you always forget is that our wallets have selective hearing, tuning out the sound of fiscal responsibility. All I can say is that “if your money cannot buy you a car, eat your money”. Tomorrow will take care of itself as it has always done before.

4. Resolution: Learn a New Skill or Hobby

You read somewhere that you will be more attractive if only you learned a new skill or hobby. We buy the guitar, the knitting needles or the cooking utensils, convinced that this year, we’ll finally master that elusive skill. We even take leaflets from the Goethe-Institut for German classes and tell all our friends that the time is now.

Cut to reality: the guitar gathers dust in the corner, the knitting needles become tools to scratch your head when it itches from all the dirt and sweat under that rug of a wig. The reality is that you had an opportunity to learn something at university and you drank your marks down at Brewers Market. So, here is my advice: Just pay attention and learn to do your current job well and sit down. New skills are for people who have mastered their current jobs. You and I must just hold that desk and shine the boss’s shoes to stay employed. Let’s stay in our lanes.

5. Resolution: Be More Organised and Productive

Armed with planners, calendars from Waltons and the latest productivity apps, we vow to conquer the chaos that is our daily lives. But who are we kidding? The to-do list becomes a wish list, the calendar turns into a gallery of missed deadlines and the productivity app notification is just another ping we’ve learned to ignore. Turns out, organising chaos is a skill set not in the app store. You and I forget where we put the car keys. We sometimes arrive home at lunch just to realise that we did not pick up the child from school and now we must drive again and then back to the office.

Bite me, but we have managed so far and all the children are accounted for. We are not broken and do not need fixing. After all, we all have a little ADHD, but that’s the spice of life. Take it easy, my friend, there is order in the chaos!

In conclusion, dear resolution enthusiasts, let’s spare ourselves the agony of broken promises and unmet expectations. The only resolution I recommend for you is to make the year 2024 regret that it ever dared to arrive.