Lost and found in Namibia

NOT since the ‘makakunyas’ in the 1980s has a puppet caused such a stir! But Chester Missing is no one’s puppet, as he quickly lets you know, thank you very much!

Ventriloquist Conrad Koch and Missing (one of three puppets in his repertoire) have been receiving standing ovations for over a decade. Koch trained to be a comedian and ventriloquist through Cape Town’s College of Magic and on the stages of the South African comedy industry.Namibian audiences came to know Missing as the venom-spitting irreverent political analyst on ‘Late Night News with Loyiso Gola’ on the E-News channel on DStv.His first big break came through 5FM’s Heavyweight Comedy Jams, followed by the Smirnoff International Comedy Festival, the South African Comedy Festival in London, the Vodacom Comedy Festival, the 94,7 King Size Comedy Jams, and more. His TV credits include the likes of Top Billing, Jerry Springer’s ‘Saturday Night’, Morning Live, Evita Bezuidenhout’s ‘Evita Live and Dangerous’ … he was even a question on The Weakest Link. He has worked internationally, in the USA, the UK, Australia, Greece and around Africa and the Indian Ocean.The Namibian caught up with Missing when he made a quick stop in Windhoek this week after he visited Etosha for a corporate gig. This is what he had to say in answer to a few questions:Have you spent lots of time in the lost and found? Why is your name ‘Missing’?Ja, that’s funny. Do you see me making fun of your President whose surname means ‘go’ in IsiZulu? Where and when is he going, by the way?Why do you think you are so popular?Because I’m not a puppet. I’m a superhero made of latex and swag. Maybe it’s because you can’t get angry with a puppet. Ask Helen Zille. She’s been angry with Julius Malema for years.Why are you allowing yourself to be a white man’s puppet? Why do you have this white boy’s hand up your rectum, in public?Stand down! We all have our Bret Kebbles. I call him my ventriloquist; you call him a foreign investor.You’ve been in Namibia for almost a week. How many BEE deals did you strike?Not one tender! Africa is going down! What must a puppet do to score a deal in this place? Do you expect me to work for this? I’m BEE compliant and everything. Someone even called me a Baster even though my mom knows my dad. This is unacceptable!You recently tweeted that Namibia is like a huge Kimberley. Were you referring to us as ‘die groot gat’?No, no, no. There’s no gat. It’s just flat and dry with huge open spaces.The last time South Africans were in northern Namibia they’d just lost a war. What were you doing up there this week?No, my friend, your intelligence is faulty. I was looking for missing ANC cadres. I actually found two and I’m smuggling them back in my suitcase. This is classified!Are you taking over Loyiso Gola’s show?No, the eyebrows beat me down.Are you and Gola buying eyebrows from the same sex shop? Are you sure you’re not related?This interview is over! How can you compare my lovely brows with that guy’s? He grew his eyebrows for Movember.Your eyebrows are as pronounced as Loyiso’s and you are much heavier in real life. What grooming tips can you share with Namibians?Wax twice a week. There’s no faster way to lose a tender than kak eyebrows. Ladies, please don’t draw them on. Sometimes you draw them on wrong and you look all quizzical.How often do you perform sober?All the time. This is a coffee high. I will not be judged by someone who lives in a city named after a beer.Talking about politics. Which industry in SA should be nationalised first?They should nationalise Khanyi Mbau. She’s our best gold-digger. Why not Steve Hofmeyer and everyone who wears shorts with high socks and a cellphone on his belt? When I came here South African Airways left me in a suitcase for two days. I wanted Juju to nationalise them but then I remembered they are already nationalised.Which ministerial portfolio should Julius Malema be offered?He should become the minister of shouting. Also, they can make him minister of Heineken. That malt disfigured us all. For irony’s sake he should become minister of intelligence. That would be a living oxymoron.Describe a South Africa where Malema is President?It would be like Zimbabwe with better parties.I hear Jacob Zuma wants to make you a special political adviser. What’s the first thing you’ll tell him when you accept the job?Shower more!So, what’s the big fuss about media freedom? Would you like to have your secrets known by everyone?I’ve got very dark secrets. The things I did with Barbie dolls… Listen, media freedom is like paedophilia. You are either a paedophile or you’re not.Where did you hide this white boy (Koch) on Black Tuesday?Actually, I kept him under the table. He’s been there for years, using me for window dressing. I’ve made the money for years and have never seen a cent. I’m like those guys who built the stadiums for the 2010 FIFA World Cup. I’m actually looking for a new ventriloquist – a guy of colour so that we can be fully BEE compliant.I heard you have a moerse crush on both Helen Zille and Lindiwe Masibuko. Is it true?Ja, it’s true. Have you seen a peanut butter sandwich with a slice of white bread and a slice of brown bread? I’m the peanut butter in that sandwich.

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