I Hate Going Outside

Anne HanbudaI hate going places. Like seriously, I hate having to get up, shower and leave the house. I detest it with every fibre of my being.

I would much rather stay at home by myself for days on end and never ever see anybody.

I hate getting to know new people. I hate small talk. I hate that awkward feeling of unfamiliarity.

Whenever I tell my mother that, she says I shouldn’t. She tells me I’m exaggerating how much I like being by myself. And then I laugh about it like I didn’t mean when I know deep down I did.

There have been many things that I have wanted to do or see out there in the world, but I have been impeded by this very very strong desire to always be by myself at home.

Sometimes I like it, sometimes it annoys me how difficult it is to get myself to go out and face the world.

Don’t get me wrong. I actually do leave my house quite a bit, but only because I am obsessed with buying food. If I didn’t have to do that, the outside would see so little of me.

I wouldn’t really call it anxiety, but I think it’s something somewhere along those lines, that just makes being in my own space feel so much safer than anything else.

It’s the same force from deep down inside me that makes me hate answering my phone. I truly detest dealing on the phone, and sometimes wish I could not own one at all.

As soon as a name pops up on the screen, I get an uneasy feeling and my palms start to sweat. The thought of having to talk to someone over the phone just makes me so uncomfortable.

Unless you’re a very close family member or friend, I truly believe any and everything can be discussed via sms, email or voice note.

And having to meet up in person is the absolute last thing that I would ever want to do. But for some reason, people keep insisting that we do that.

I’ve almost entirely stopped attending meetings. I seriously just will not agree to it. Most of them can be emails anyway.

I don’t want to meet up to discuss ideas or plans or proposals. Just send whatever you need to me. I’ll read through it and revert.

See, I think that a lot of what I do, especially professionally, requires me to think long and hard about what I want to say.

Over the phone or in person, I don’t feel like I’m given the adequate amount of time to do that.

On top of that, having to actually wash your face, brush your teeth and put a shirt on every day is just torture. I don’t think humans were meant to do that, no ways.

I am always so fascinated by people who can show up every day and show up looking neat and presentable and excited to socialise.

I work from home so I only have to really be well put together once or twice a week, and the rest of the time I can wear a durag or shorts or sweatpants if I need to pop into the city or something.

People who wear blouses and pencil skirts Monday to Friday, who show up to the office ready to engage and talk to other people from 08h00 to 17h00, who welcome people into their lives and share themselves with others all the time – those are the real heroes of the world in my opinion.

I’m low key jealous of them. I wish I had the social battery. I wish I had the confidence and the audacity.

Then again, maybe it’s something I can learn. I don’t think it’s ever too late to improve yourself and it might be worth a shot.

– Anne Hambuda is a poet, writer, social commentator and media personality. Email her at annehambuda@gmail.com for more.

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