Christmas Conversations

Here we are again; less than a month before my least liked holiday of the year- Christmas.

Last year, I, the Urban Single Mom, documented through this column my angst, my dissatisfaction, my contempt and my devious yet brilliant plan at how to save not only my own ass, but that of my wallet in a piece I titled: The Urban Single Mom Who Stole Christmas. In it, I spoke about my ingenious plan to keep the evil of Christmas away by telling The Monsters that Santa Claus had a freak accident and broke his leg, thus rendering him unable to fulfill his duties as Gift Bringer extraordinaire to all children the world over.My Plan to Steal Christmas worked too…. For weeks while the whole world geared up for Christmas: aka One Week of Incredible expenditure, The Trolls were actually very well behaved. They didn’t drive me up the walls with ridiculous requests, they didn’t demand the latest superhero toy… and they didn’t wake up every morning yelling like a bunch of demented cartoon characters ala Alvin the Chipmunks, ‘It’s Christmas Ya’ll! Yeah! Hallelujah!’ Which I’m sure they would have done had I given them the opportunity to. Of course in the end, my mother; their doting grandmother swept in and filled their day with all the Christmas-y magic their little hearts could hope for and my plan failed miserably. But, my (in)sanity is hard to suppress, and this year (once again) you’d be hard pressed to find me leaping with joy at the prospect of over crowded shopping malls and Christmas gift wrapping. I know I should give it a rest already, but you don’t understand how crazy they are these days.Troll 2 keeps stealing my money from my wallet and shouting, ‘look at what I found!’ And Troll 1 has a naughtiness rebound rate of five seconds. Schools have barely closed, but it seems in my house, the holiday season is in full swing and my nerves are shot. I buy their silence with incessant cartoons on TV, creative yet violent threats of how the bogey man just keeps getting better and better at killing naughty children… and copious amounts of Kinder Joy.They don’t stop talking, running and bouncing around… and I live in fear for my household items. Their wise cracks are also at an all time high. Allow me to demonstrate.Me: Troll 1, eat your food. If you don’t eat your food you wont become big and strong.Troll 1: I’m already big and strong.Me: No you’re not.Troll1: But you always say I should carry your handbag because I’m your big, strong boy!Me (hysterical now): Just eat your food!Troll1: Then I won’t carry your hand bag again?Me: Fine! Dear god!Troll 1(winking and talking to his younger brother): And that’s how you negotiate. Or this conversation with Troll 2recently: Troll 2: Momma! You’re such a breakfast nook! Me: You’re not using the word right. Troll 2 (sticking out his tongue atme): So? I don’t care! The other night I called The Captain and let rip. Me: I’m a little worried that if I put the Christmas tree up, the kids might think they’ve got a reason for toy requests and their general exuberance about the holiday season will just drive me nuts.’The Captain: (silence)Me: Trees and gifts cost money… and it’s just so much effort. Besides I have to save for January. And the faster they get used to Christmas not being a fixture in their lives, the better.The Captain: (silence)Me: That’s it. I’m just not going do it! My mind is made up.The Captain: So. We’re putting up the tree, right?Me (sighing): Yeah. We have to.
– urbansinglemom@gmail.com