Call The Cops If You See Miss Anne

Wow, guys, I think I have made it in life! I must really be a big deal if some erratic musician is now aiming his vitriol at me, right?

The dude went on Twitter and said I am “on the side of Satan”, because I laughed at a joke someone made about him.

I actually laughed long and hard when I first started getting notifications, because wow. It’s giving delusion.

Can someone draft a conservatorship agreement as soon as possible?

Let me explain. So many of you may know this dude has been having a public meltdown for the last few weeks, accusing one of Namibia’s biggest artists of bewitching him, going on long incoherent rants and just generally displaying the kind of instability fans will attribute to artistic genius.

Then one day, he posted a photo of some watches, stacks of cash and other items that were supposedly a sign of his vast wealth.

Another user, who is generally a funny guy, commented on that photo, sarcastically applauding him for “balling”.

I found that funny and said as much, but he didn’t, so he blocked me and everyone else who laughed along. I thought about it for a few days and then sent the artist a voice note asking him to unblock me and apologising for something I honestly did not consider that big a deal.

Apparently it was a big deal, though, because he posted my voice note to Twitter. Along with my WhatsApp profile picture and a very stern warning to anybody who crosses him.

The “Satan” whose side I am on is most likely one of our most famous musicians? Or perhaps some other imaginary antagonist in his life? I’m not sure, but he also said I shouldn’t play both sides, even though I never engaged him on the many accusations he made in April. I laughed at a joke about watches.

Honestly, his behaviour has always been concerning, so I wasn’t very surprised by how things unfolded, but was more amused by his unravelling and a little pissed off that he didn’t use a cuter picture of me. There are so many on my Instagram feed that he could’ve chosen.

I’ve known for long he is not someone to take seriously. He’s like a homeless guy standing on the corner of the street, shouting incoherently.

I’ve literally never even met the dude, but he claims we are friends, and friends should not laugh at friends. In actual fact, we’ve spoken a handful of times via WhatsApp when I interviewed him for this publication.

Is this what rap beef is like? Am I now in the league of the Drakes, Kanyes and Quavos who are embroiled in their own musical tussles? Should I jump in the booth and record my own diss? I’m honestly tempted, and I think it would be funny, but don’t worry, I won’t. I’ll just say what I have to here.

Originally I wanted to start this column by saying “This dude [name withheld due to irrelevance] blocked me on Twitter because he is a crybaby”, but I soon realised I’d be kicking a dog while he’s down and spinning out of control. Plus, I already called him the b-word on WhatsApp after telling him that he has proven to be the problem in his own life.

I actually think a bigger discussion needs to be had on mental health because his antics have been getting worse and worse for a long time. Unfortunately, in this climate, people will see you having a mental breakdown and they will laugh. I am guilty of this, too.

So, this is me acknowledging I was wrong. I should not have laughed at someone who is that chaotic and unhinged. I should have known his head would explode and all the madness inside it would spill out like it has many times in the past.

I should have rather suggested seeking help or therapy, but instead I became an enemy, too, when that was not my intention.

The problem is that I’m petty, so now I’m fully embracing our new status as nemeses.

Luckily, it was me and not someone else who might not have skin as thick as mine. I have been on Twitter a long time and I know how to fight and how to disarm. I am a chaotic person myself and I’ve already been roasted, dragged, bullied and laughed at by the entire nation, several times before. On top of that, I take responsibility for my own actions and don’t blame the world, the devil or anyone around me. I suggest he does the same, then maybe his life will turn around.

There’s a lot of power in admitting that you are the drama.

Anne Hambuda is a writer, social commentator and poet. Follow her online or email her annehambuda@gmail.com for more.