Big Brother Africa: The flight of the ‘gazunga’

DIZZLE my nizzle! Just when I was about to ask someone to give me a call when it gets to switching off the lights in the BBA house, we get more sizzle than a container load of bacon …

OK, OK, not quite. Before I get too rash, at least a few 500g packets of Windhoek Schlachterei’s best rashers! Or Hartliefs.What with Juna and her lunar rising, Biggie getting his James Bond fetish on and sending agents provocateur into the house, and Tatiana ripping off her safety bodice and baring more than it all – her heart – for Richard …The stage is – well, should be – set for an orgy of entertainment.We hope! And I hope!! I hope that like my BBA dotcomrade Segololo I can have an eureka moment, and once again exclaim …da-da-da da …’what a show’! BREAKING NEWS Sjoe! Sjoeeeeeeeeeeee …for the love of Africa, I don’t even know how to write about what reportedly happened in the house at five minutes past midnight Monday-Tuesday.It is beyond my vocabulary.I am so overcome I might just break into Jerry Lee Lewis’s “goodness gracious, great balls of fire”.Let me start by saying that it appears to have been a seminal moment in Richiana’s relationship and that Rich is now known as the “two-second wonder”! And Tati? She was apparently all but out for the count at the time, having had a glass of wine over the limit.Please, my peeps, I’m not one of those Richiana voyeurs who live in 24/7 BB heaven, monitoring Rich’s heart rate, the movement of the duvet, which way the dreadlocks spread out on the pillow or whether the locks go on midnight expeditions to nether parts.Let alone whether the dawg wags his tail! But the BBA social forum was all a-titter in the early hours of yesterday over Richiana’s sexploits, and boy did it continue throughout the day.The chatterati were having what can only be called a whopper of a day.According to the overwhelming majority of eyewitness reports, Rich did the DO.The deed was even timed, and the number of “motions” counted.Believe me, there are serial Rich fans out there! Yeah, have to concede that the apostles of the ‘Big 5’ really put me to shame when it comes to commitment …COITUS INTERRUPTUS But the FALLOUT!!! Wow.Confusion, conflict, chow mein (and I’ll chow yours!), castigation, congratulations! Most aroused were diehard Rich fans.Their premature elation over gazunga man being a shoo-in for the US$100 000 was monetarily, oops, I mean momentarily, deflated.What to do? Had their man blown it in one moment of badness? Was it all about to go flat? Kinda like two seconds flat, you know! But it was a momentary monetary aberration.A secondary blip on the radar of Richiana.Strategy, strategy, strategy! One of the most worried was avid Rich cheerleader Randy, who feared his hero had messed up big time.And we’re not talking bedding here.But, “we’ll storm through this one”, wrote forumist Randy.”Take care peeps, we take up this battle tomorrow! And I’m coming loaded with a bucket full of mud.If we can’t paint Richiana clean then we may as well paint Ofunneka dirty.”Yeah, Randy? Sjoe! Again.But what was Rich thinking? Is he thinking? Or has he lost all sense of perspective and fallen into the ‘in the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed man is king’ zone? Got this sneaky feeling that Rich dawg thinks he’s untouchable after surviving so many eviction nominations.How else to explain it? I didn’t see the flight of the gazunga, but I did see Rich ask Tati for a BJ the previous night! Boldly.Openly.She shrugged it off.No problem.He persisted!! She declined.It could just be that the man’s sense of perspective has diminished as his sense of proportion has grown.ODE TO CODE The guessing game is over.The last chord has been played; his guitar gently wept, and Code strumbled out of the house on Sunday.Literally from the arms of one woman into the arms of another.Code Santana has been reunited with his Hanna Montana.Waiting for the dawg was his forgiving, we’ll-talk-it-out, pregnant shorty, Juna (short for Junaver), a health worker from Amsterdam.My blog buddy Segololo’s eureka – suspense, shock, joy, tears – moment!! So, yeah, Cody-ody’s chapter in the house might not have been as gripping as the ‘Da Vinci Code’, technically.But dawg, the coda at the end of his stay was worth the wait.Damn! Juna seems like a nice young woman.During my BBA research last week, I picked up that Juna might be with child and managed to be in touch by e-mail.Juna confirmed, I wished her well.She replied that she’d read some of our columns.She said while they weren’t always “positive” about her man, they were “funny”.Like your spirit Juna! EVICTION Tatiana me (just don’t Richiana me)! The Angolan model seems to have caught the BB world off guard with her decision not to save herself, which as Head of House she can do.With Maureen and Ofunneka also up, the only person Tati could replace herself with was Richard.She asked Biggie for a few minutes to think about it.He said no.In a split second, she decided not to replace herself.She said she felt for Rich as he’d been up for eviction so many times.Now that’s baring it all! Give the girl credit! I do, even under the circumstances.There were those who applauded.But some resentful Rich fans were quick to flay her with the type of vehemence that fuelled the Salem witch hunt! Aitsa!! “She is playing our intelligence” – yeah, tell me about it!; “who does she think she is?”; “do you think you’re immune?”; “Tati thinks she’s untouchable”; “what an ego”; “Richard is a married man, he needs the money …Tati out”.How craptacular! Be ashamed.Be very ashamed.Catch BBA2 on Channel198, DStvBefore I get too rash, at least a few 500g packets of Windhoek Schlachterei’s best rashers! Or Hartliefs.What with Juna and her lunar rising, Biggie getting his James Bond fetish on and sending agents provocateur into the house, and Tatiana ripping off her safety bodice and baring more than it all – her heart – for Richard …The stage is – well, should be – set for an orgy of entertainment.We hope! And I hope!! I hope that like my BBA dotcomrade Segololo I can have an eureka moment, and once again exclaim …da-da-da da …’what a show’! BREAKING NEWS Sjoe! Sjoeeeeeeeeeeee …for the love of Africa, I don’t even know how to write about what reportedly happened in the house at five minutes past midnight Monday-Tuesday.It is beyond my vocabulary.I am so overcome I might just break into Jerry Lee Lewis’s “goodness gracious, great balls of fire”.Let me start by saying that it appears to have been a seminal moment in Richiana’s relationship and that Rich is now known as the “two-second wonder”! And Tati? She was apparently all but out for the count at the time, having had a glass of wine over the limit.Please, my peeps, I’m not one of those Richiana voyeurs who live in 24/7 BB heaven, monitoring Rich’s heart rate, the movement of the duvet, which way the dreadlocks spread out on the pillow or whether the locks go on midnight expeditions to nether parts.Let alone whether the dawg wags his tail! But the BBA social forum was all a-titter in the early hours of yesterday over Richiana’s sexploits, and boy did it continue throughout the day.The chatterati were having what can only be called a whopper of a day.According to the overwhelming majority of eyewitness reports, Rich did the DO.The deed was even timed, and the number of “motions” counted.Believe me, there are serial Rich fans out there! Yeah, have to concede that the apostles of the ‘Big 5’ really put me to shame when it comes to commitment …COITUS INTERRUPTUS But the FALLOUT!!! Wow.Confusion, conflict, chow mein (and I’ll chow yours!), castigation, congratulations! Most aroused were diehard Rich fans.Their premature elation over gazunga man being a shoo-in for the US$100 000 was monetarily, oops, I mean momentarily, deflated.What to do? Had their man blown it in one moment of badness? Was it all about to go flat? Kinda like two seconds flat, you know! But it was a momentary monetary aberration.A secondary blip on the radar of Richiana.Strategy, strategy, strategy! One of the most worried was avid Rich cheerleader Randy, who feared his hero had messed up big time.And we’re not talking bedding here.But, “we’ll storm through this one”, wrote forumist Randy.”Take care peeps, we take up this battle tomorrow! And I’m coming loaded with a bucket full of mud.If we can’t paint Richiana clean then we may as well paint Ofunneka dirty.”Yeah, Randy? Sjoe! Again.But what was Rich thinking? Is he thinking? Or has he lost all sense of perspective and fallen into the ‘in the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed man is king’ zone? Got this sneaky feeling that Rich dawg thinks he’s untouchable after surviving so many eviction nominations.How else to explain it? I didn’t see the flight of the gazunga, but I did see Rich ask Tati for a BJ the previous night! Boldly.Openly.She shrugged it off.No problem.He persisted!! She declined.It could just be that the man’s sense of perspective has diminished as his sense of proportion has grown.ODE TO CODE The guessing game is over.The last chord has been played; his guitar gently wept, and Code strumbled out of the house on Sunday.Literally from the arms of one woman into the arms of another.Code Santana has been reunited with his Hanna Montana.Waiting for the dawg was his forgiving, we’ll-talk-it-out, pregnant shorty, Juna (short for Junaver), a health worker from Amsterdam.My blog buddy Segololo’s eureka – suspense, shock, joy, tears – moment!! So, yeah, Cody-ody’s chapter in the house might not have been as gripping as the ‘Da Vinci Code’, technically.But dawg, the coda at the end of his stay was worth the wait.Damn! Juna seems like a nice young woman.During my BBA research last week, I picked up that Juna might be with child and managed to be in touch by e-mail.Juna confirmed, I wished her well.She replied that she’d read some of our columns.She said while they weren’t always “positive” about her man, they were “funny”.Like your spirit Juna! EVICTION Tatiana me (just don’t Richiana me)! The Angolan model seems to have caught the BB world off guard with her decision not to save herself, which as Head of House she can do.With Maureen and Ofunneka also up, the only person Tati could replace herself with was Richard.She asked Biggie for a few minutes to think about it.He said no.In a split second, she decided not to replace herself.She said she felt for Rich as he’d been up for eviction so many times.Now that’s baring it all! Give the girl credit! I do, even under the circumstances.There were those who applauded.But some resentful Rich fans were quick to flay her with the type of vehemence that fuelled the Salem witch hunt! Aitsa!! “She is playing our intelligence” – yeah, tell me about it!; “who does she think she is?”; “do you think you’re immune?”; “Tati thinks she’s untouchable”; “what an ego”; “Richard is a married man, he needs the money …Tati out”.How craptacular! Be ashamed.Be very ashamed.Catch BBA2 on Channel198, DStv