Big Brother Africa 2: The ‘Idiot’s’ Guide

WHERE’S Bertha, aka B, when you need her on a Friday? Have to confess that I’m suffering from post-departum blues! It has severely affected the birthing of this column.

Has B buzzed off with my writing buzz? Wouldn’t put it past her! There may be more head space in the house with Bertha gone, but it’s left me struggling with the space in my head. Most of the central players in my columns have been wrenched out of the house by unappreciative viewers! First Justice, then Meryl, followed by Lerato and now Bertha …If only I knew what Justice was up to …OK, peeps, enough introspection.Special request from a whole legion of people who don’t watch BBA, but are fans of our daily BBA columns.They’ve asked for a breakdown on the ins and outs of the show, so here’s a rough users’ guide, in the style of ‘The Idiot’s Guide’ series: WHO’S WHO AND WHAT’S WHAT * Reality TV – the work of being watched; a popular spectator sport.* Big Brother Africa 2 – a pan-African version of BB involving housemates from 12 countries.* The Politically Correct (PC) – horrified people who turn up their noses at those who watch BBA, but weirdly seem to have watched more of the show than you or I! * Big Brother Africa viewers – students of human nature.* Big Brother obsessives – hardcore fanatics from the ranks of the disenfranchised who try and scratch their political itches through BBA (refer also Noam Chomsky, ‘Bewildering the Herd’); among others, they fixate on a perception that they wield power (i.e.voting housemates out, insulting them to kingdom come, fantasising about deposing ‘dictators’, something seemingly denied to them by political and societal systems).THE HOUSE * Biggie – a Voice with no face that rewards and punishes housemates, listens to confessions, thoughts and outpourings on feelings; a receptacle of frustrations and requests; the Voice also keeps tabs on housemates’ sanity – IMPORTANT! * Diary room – the place where the Voice speaks, the BBA version of a Catholic confessional.* Head of House (HoH) – a housemate who wins a task and gets to be either the head girl or boy for a week.* Penthouse – a place where a lot of panting and guzzling (see elsewhere) goes on when the Head of House and his or her partner goes for their HoH treat; not to be confused with a soft porn set.* Panthouse – the Penthouse.* Shower hour – Action X at around 07h00 or 08h00 (I believe!) every day.HOUSEMATES * Code – a Malawian moment.* Maureen – Ugandan for ‘boreen’.* Blah, blah – a contagious, airborne disease transmitted by word of mouth by ‘boreens’.* Ofune-mama – what the couples call Ofunneka.* Coupledom – Ofunneka’s power base; alternatively, kingdom.* Ofunneka – Cherise Mark 2.* Cherise – winner of BBA1; Ofunneka Mark 1.* Tatiana – Angola’s answer to ‘Heat’ magazine; also known as ‘The Squirrel’.* Dutty Dreads – Richard; alternatively known as the Bezuidenhout Boy.* Richiana – the extramarital coupling of Richard and Tatiana; natural habitat: hammocks.* Ricki – the third person in Richiana’s relationship; otherwise known as, or forgotten as, Richard’s wife.* Codeen – a nocturnal entity made up of Code and Maureen; can be confused with small white pills that put you to sleep; natural habitat: generally found in bedding.* Menage à trois – Codeen plus a hot-water bottle.* Kwaku – Playboy of the Big Brother Mansion; alternatively, Fakwu if you’re a ‘Big 5’ fan (see elsewhere) obsessed with his accent.* Pro Rata – a fan, alternatively supporter, of Lerato.* Dickheads – fans of Richard and his gazunga (see elsewhere); nothing to do with Deadheads, fans of the Grateful Dead.* Justice – debatable.* Jeff – Not Def Jam, but Jeff, damn, Kenya’s answer to Jane Fonda workouts.* Beryl – synonymous with wannabe, as in people called Bertha who want to be Meryl.* The ‘Big 5′ – a misnomer; in reality, the petit four plus a couples’ counsellor (Codeen, Richiana and Ofunneka); possibly perceived by their diehard fans as representatives of the petit bourgeois; in no way to be confused with wild as in the ‘Big 5’ of Africa’s animal kingdom, or any other kind of wild.* ‘The Untouchables’ – the more vibey housemates, those who get voted off early because they are not meek and mild (or perpetually hibernating), and because they provide drama and are entertaining.* Jacuzzi – once the de facto headquarters of ‘The Untouchables’; comes with a health warning: it can land you in hot water.* Paint-drying syndrome – what you get when you vote off ‘Untouchables’.TERMINOLOGY * Dawg – word to be used in place of a name, or other personal noun or pronoun to be used in place of a name.* Take it easy, dawg – by far the best departure phrase known to man, or woman; most commonly used by Richard.* Technically – most commonly used by Code (‘I’m a DJ ya’know’) as a ‘filler word’; alternatively, what 12-year-olds say to sound smart.Often found to be said by smartasses to make someone look wrong and stupid (Urban Dictionary).* Mofoe – a mother-f***r, according to the Urban Dictionary, but seemingly used by housemates to indicate that they’ve done something stupid; most commonly used by Code.* Nigga, or Niggaz – ‘Naturally Intelligent God Gifted Africans’, variously defined by hip-hop artists, including Tupac Shakur; most commonly used by Kwaku; in no way linked to the slur ‘Nigger’.* Slurping – Code and Maureen trying to get it on.* Shorty – technically, an affectionate term for a girlfriend, attractive female or concubine; in the BB house: the woman I’m cheating on.* Shiznig – mainly used by Code to infer bullsh*t; alternatively, someone who totally reeks of awesomeness (Urban Dictionary), as in “That girl is the shiznig, man!” * Guzzle – alcohol, noun; drinking your drink very fast, verb; the be-all and end-all of Code’s existence, descriptive.* Shypoo – alcohol of poor quality; alternatively, a guzzler with impaired judgement.SEX, LIES AND CONCEPTS * Fake – what a housemate is if you DON’T like them.* Real – what a housemate is if you DO like them.* Strategy – gossip if you DON’T like the housemates involved.* Gossip – strategy if you DO like the housemates involved.* It’s only a game – reality check: I’m your ally today, but I’ll drop you like a hot potato when push comes to shove.* Reality – a game.* Gazunga – a particular part of the male anatomy.* Whopper – an alternative expression for a particular part of the male anatomy.* Truck – an election south of the waistline, as in when the whopper holds up its head to be counted.* Kandahar station – a place where gazungas dock.* Bump – what some housemates are lusting to do; not to be confused with a run-in with a Windhoek taxi.* Explosion – what happens if you bump.* I respect you – I don’t want to say I love you; alternatively, I don’t want to commit.* Nominations – what housemates are compelled to do every week.* Backstabber – what you’re called when you nominate someone.* Fake eviction – a common practice in Big Brother shows around the world, but when done on Big Brother Africa 2 becomes a ‘hidden agenda’.* Spatula-ing – Codeen’s take on spooning.Catch Big Brother Africa 2 on Channel 198, DStvMost of the central players in my columns have been wrenched out of the house by unappreciative viewers! First Justice, then Meryl, followed by Lerato and now Bertha …If only I knew what Justice was up to …OK, peeps, enough introspection.Special request from a whole legion of people who don’t watch BBA, but are fans of our daily BBA columns.They’ve asked for a breakdown on the ins and outs of the show, so here’s a rough users’ guide, in the style of ‘The Idiot’s Guide’ series: WHO’S WHO AND WHAT’S WHAT * Reality TV – the work of being watched; a popular spectator sport.* Big Brother Africa 2 – a pan-African version of BB involving housemates from 12 countries.* The Politically Correct (PC) – horrified people who turn up their noses at those who watch BBA, but weirdly seem to have watched more of the show than you or I! * Big Brother Africa viewers – students of human nature.* Big Brother obsessives – hardcore fanatics from the ranks of the disenfranchised who try and scratch their political itches through BBA (refer also Noam Chomsky, ‘Bewildering the Herd’); among others, they fixate on a perception that they wield power (i.e.voting housemates out, insulting them to kingdom come, fantasising about deposing ‘dictators’, something seemingly denied to them by political and societal systems).THE HOUSE * Biggie – a Voice with no face that rewards and punishes housemates, listens to confessions, thoughts and outpourings on feelings; a receptacle of frustrations and requests; the Voice also keeps tabs on housemates’ sanity – IMPORTANT! * Diary room – the place where the Voice speaks, the BBA version of a Catholic confessional.* Head of House (HoH) – a housemate who wins a task and gets to be either the head girl or boy for a week.* Penthouse – a place where a lot of panting and guzzling (see elsewhere) goes on when the Head of House and his or her partner goes for their HoH treat; not to be confused with a soft porn set.* Panthouse – the Penthouse.* Shower hour – Action X at around 07h00 or 08h00 (I believe!) every day.HOUSEMATES * Code – a Malawian moment.* Maureen – Ugandan for ‘boreen’.* Blah, blah – a contagious, airborne disease transmitted by word of mouth by ‘boreens’.* Ofune-mama – what the couples call Ofunneka.* Coupledom – Ofunneka’s power base; alternatively, kingdom.* Ofunneka – Cherise Mark 2.* Cherise – winner of BBA1; Ofunneka Mark 1.* Tatiana – Angola’s answer to ‘Heat’ magazine; also known as ‘The Squirrel’.* Dutty Dreads – Richard; alternatively known as the Bezuidenhout Boy.* Richiana – the extramarital coupling of Richard and Tatiana; natural habitat: hammocks.* Ricki – the third person in Richiana’s relationship; otherwise known as, or forgotten as, Richard’s wife.* Codeen – a nocturnal entity made up of Code and Maureen; can be confused with small white pills that put you to sleep; natural habitat: generally found in bedding.* Menage à trois – Codeen plus a hot-water bottle.* Kwaku – Playboy of the Big Brother Mansion; alternatively, Fakwu if you’re a ‘Big 5’ fan (see elsewhere) obsessed with his accent.* Pro Rata – a fan, alternatively supporter, of Lerato.* Dickheads – fans of Richard and his gazunga (see elsewhere); nothing to do with Deadheads, fans of the Grateful Dead.* Justice – debatable.* Jeff – Not Def Jam, but Jeff, damn, Kenya’s answer to Jane Fonda workouts.* Beryl – synonymous with wannabe, as in people called Bertha who want to be Meryl.* The ‘Big 5′ – a misnomer; in reality, the petit four plus a couples’ counsellor (Codeen, Richiana and Ofunneka); possibly perceived by their diehard fans as representatives of the petit bourgeois; in no way to be confused with wild as in the ‘Big 5’ of Africa’s animal kingdom, or any other kind of wild.* ‘The Untouchables’ – the more vibey housemates, those who get voted off early because they are not meek and mild (or perpetually hibernating), and because they provide drama and are entertaining.* Jacuzzi – once the de facto headquarters of ‘The Untouchables’; comes with a health warning: it can land you in hot water.* Paint-drying syndrome – what you get when you vote off ‘Untouchables’. TERMINOLOGY * Dawg – word to be used in place of a name, or other personal noun or pronoun to be used in place of a name.* Take it easy, dawg – by far the best departure phrase known to man, or woman; most commonly used by Richard.* Technically – most commonly used by Code (‘I’m a DJ ya’know’) as a ‘filler word’; alternatively, what 12-year-olds say to sound smart.Often found to be said by smartasses to make someone look wrong and stupid (Urban Dictionary).* Mofoe – a mother-f***r, according to the Urban Dictionary, but seemingly used by housemates to indicate that they’ve done something stupid; most commonly used by Code.* Nigga, or Niggaz – ‘Naturally Intelligent God Gifted Africans’, variously defined by hip-hop artists, including Tupac Shakur; most commonly used by Kwaku; in no way linked to the slur ‘Nigger’.* Slurping – Code and Maureen trying to get it on.* Shorty – technically, an affectionate term for a girlfriend, attractive female or concubine; in the BB house: the woman I’m cheating on.* Shiznig – mainly used by Code to infer bullsh*t; alternatively, someone who totally reeks of awesomeness (Urban Dictionary), as in “That girl is the shiznig, man!” * Guzzle – alcohol, noun; drinking your drink very fast, verb; the be-all and end-all of Code’s existence, descriptive.* Shypoo – alcohol of poor quality; alternatively, a guzzler with impaired judgement. SEX, LIES AND CONCEPTS * Fake – what a housemate is if you DON’T like them.* Real – what a housemate is if you DO like them.* Strategy – gossip if you DON’T like the housemates involved.* Gossip – strategy if you DO like the housemates involved.* It’s only a game – reality check: I’m your ally today, but I’ll drop you like a hot potato when push comes to shove.* Reality – a game.* Gazunga – a particular part of the male anatomy.* Whopper – an alternative expression for a particular part of the male anatomy.* Truck – an election south of the waistline, as in when the whopper holds up its head to be counted.* Kandahar station – a place where gazungas dock.* Bump – what some housemates are lusting to do; not to be confused with a run-in with a Windhoek taxi.* Explosion – what happens if you bump.* I respect you – I don’t want to say I love you; alternatively, I don’t want to commit.* Nominations – what housemates are compelled to do every week.* Backstabber – what you’re called when you nominate someone.* Fake eviction – a common practice in Big Brother shows around the world, but when done on Big Brother Africa 2 becomes a ‘hidden agenda’.* Spatula-ing – Codeen’s take on spooning.Catch Big Brother Africa 2 on Channel 198, DStv

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