The broom theory

Iattended a wedding the other day and before the pastor could even read the ‘I do’s’ the groom nodded excitedly – yes, yes. His eyes glittering with love at the though of spending the rest of his life, bathed in love.

In my heart I prayed for him, for the day reality comes knocking at his door. Men are from Mars and women from Venus, is as real as the sand in the Namib, here and in South Africa. The sad part is that you’ll only come to realise this after you sign away all your rights at the wedding register.The metamorphoses of women, from girlfriend to wife is as swift as a traffic light changes colours. One moment it is green and she will say, ‘yes my darling’ for everything. The next moment she will change to red and it’s, ‘no my darling’ to everything.You will come to realise who is actually in charge of the household. No one warns you about calendar fever also known as PMS. She will bite your head off for the tiniest of missteps, like leaving your shoes in the TV room.The week before it would have been no big deal, but with calendar fever she will explode like a volcano and her wrath will burn everything in her way.During calendar fever you will learn the power of tears. Her emotions are like a roller coaster and she will cry for everything and blame the opening of her sluices on you. You will feel guilty and just like that she will have you eating out of her hand.And then there is the broom theory. Remember the traffic light and how fast it can change? The one moment she’ll be all lovey-dovey, but the moment she takes a broom to sweep, she changes for the worst.You’ll wonder if she’s cursed with psychological challenges like schizophrenia. You’ll wonder how it is possible for a person to change like that. The moment she touches a broom it is like someone pushed the play button on a really bad movie.She’ll start scolding, ‘I don’t know why you can’t clean up behind you, I’m not your maid!’ The moment she puts the broom down, she will return to normal, like nothing happened and she will address you with her sweetest of honey voices. ‘Lovey, I’m making tea, do you also want a cup?’ But when she touches the broom again to sweep, it will trigger her madness again.’Didn’t your mother teach you to be neat?’ And then she will start fighting with the furniture, slamming cupboard doors close and moving things out of the way feverishly.I wanted to give the groom a tip or two for the bedroom. A wife has two kinds of night dresses. A cotton night dress with an animal picture like a bear, cat or dog on it and a sexy satin night dress. She will wear the cotton picture dress most of the time. When she wears that dress, your chances of winning her affections are zero. You can apply your best skills to attempting to enjoy your wedding privileges but the cotton dress will slam its doors closed like Fort Knox.To spare yourself some bedroom rejection, first make sure which night dress she is wearing and if it’s the cotton picture dress, say goodnight don’t waste any sleeping time, pleading for something that you will never get.She will wear her satin night dress two days before and two days after pay day. When she wears that dress, you are the king of the castle. You are the man!You will work out the budget on the pillow and you will say yes to all her requests. She will fall asleep in your arms all cuddly. Two days after pay day, she’s back in her cotton picture night dress and you will fall asleep, back to back.The most important tip that I wanted to give that young groom, is the fun in trying to understand your bride lies in realising it is impossible, because she is from Venus and you are from Mars after all.