Sam’s a deity! So help me God

Namibia clearly doesn’t have enough people and institutions preying on the weak of spirit and the feeble minded. We need another deity.

And it’s time for us to recognise our Sam Nujoma as a god. Recent events show that we are ready to hurl our religious inhibitions, discard all our previously held beliefs and follow our true leader – the supreme one. The one destined to be hailed as our one true saviour. The one kids will one day learn single-handedly emancipated us from a mighty enemy. Come on, you know that we are all ready for Samism or shall we call it Samianity?So, why should he be made a god I hear you ask? I say the omnipotent Sam has all the values. He would make one hell of a god! He is super knowledgeable: Have you heard the old man talk about that time in Angola, or when he and his sidekick, one Lukas, strayed over enemy lines into the JG van der Wath airport. He just goois dates and historical ‘facts’ and drops names. He can tell you a story so well you’ll hear the South African aircraft flying by or smell the diesel of the Kaspirs clattering into a village. He is always lecturing us. Even about things he doesn’t have the slightest clue of. He’s very capable: Well, let’s list his achievements. He single handedly defeated those ‘Boers’ and drove them back across the Orange. He wrote the national anthem. Well, not really. Hidipo and Axali are still arguing about who did. So two dogs fight over a bone the third one comes and claims the prize. Sam also wrote the constitution, ran the country for 15 years, man alone, made himself rich and won Swapo many elections. He also advised himself and assisted himself. Man alone!God is love and Sam is too. He could have chased the Boers into the ocean, man alone. He could have jailed all former SWATF members. He could have taken farms from white farmers and makakunyas Zim style. But the man’s got crazy love for his fair skinned brothers. Now those ungrateful SWATF guys want their money back.He’s omnipresent: Well, he was while still president, on NBC TV. Now he’s just in everyone’s psyche. A smiling, father-like picture of our Sam waging his finger and telling us, ‘I’ll deal with you’ pops up in our minds eye every time we harbour ill-feelings towards Namibia. That picture is deeply ingrained into the subconsciousness of every Namibian, numbing our ability to look at the man critically, except maybe John Grobler. A god is sovereign/independent: How can tate not be independent of all foreign influence if he is the only true thing we’ve known for fifty years? Wasn’t it he who brought us independence?A god is righteous: Is there a more righteous man in all of Namibia? I’m sure he’ll full woefully short of our Sam’s sense of rectitude.He never changes: The old man has looked the same since he got off that plane in 1989. The big grey beard, the big smile and the wagging finger. He always says, I shall deal with… whoever pissed him off that day. ‘And I shall send my army to defeat the enemy!’ He is more or less always pissed off, always animatedly lecturing and always sees the enemy’s workings loud and clear in everything.He’s in and on our money. OK, so other country’s put their dead presidents on their banknotes but why can’t we be different? We can put our living deities on ours?He has streets, buildings, institutions etc named after him: He was university chancellor and student at the same time. Who needs a holy trinity? He’s getting a statue soon.He’s been back from the dead just like Jesus. How many times didn’t we get the message that Koevoet finally got him, just for the story to be quashed as propaganda.He is the assured ever present hovering godlike being. We believe tokoloshies exist, that snakes are much more than reptiles and that Jesus can make water into wine with the snap of a finger and feed everyone at a Swapo star rally with a few cans of Lucky Star and a few brotchens and still have enough leftovers to sell at Omatala. Why can’t we pray to our Sam who art in Windhoek? His son is the next… Please God help us!If you’ve got mad love for our Sam, like I have, send me an email.- rambler@namibian.com.na