Big Brother Africa: The House of Wax

POLITICS, sex and religion.

Sex, lies and videotapes. Lights, cameras …let rip! If only someone would let rip in the BBA house! Biggie’s back.But otherwise, it’s a bit like walking into Madame Tussaud’s waxworks.Someone, please break the mould! I miss my ‘Bold and the Beautiful’; ‘The Mould and the Dutiful’s’ just not cutting it! For me, anyway.But let me not dwell too long in the House of Wax.I put myself at risk of ‘Big 5’ groupies breaking into Kylie’s ‘I Could Be So Lucky’! At best.Or ending up being impaled like ‘The House of Wax’s’ Paige (aaah …me and Paris Hilton.That’s a thought!).At worst.Or should it be the other way around?! Yeah, peeps, there are those who want to make me feel like the resident rat – and it all started with Johnny ‘the Gag’ getting on my case.Now there’s a whole pack of howling naysayers.Snapping at my heels are a couple of Bertha-rites (and, no, that’s not the name of some new religion!) and diehard fans of the ‘Big 5’.You know, those folk who think thermo-balling in bed, hogging the hammock and steam-cooking lentils is the height of entertainment.Watch out Las Vegas! You ain’t seen nothing yet!! I can already see the neon lights flashing.HOOK, LIE & SINKER? On to the pressing questions of the week: has Richard played us hook, lie and sinker? Will Bertha be born again? Can she be born again? Where’s Code been stowed? Is Ofunneka really a saint in disguise? More than a few BB viewers are not buying the whole Richiana break-up.He’s studying to be a film producer, she’s an actress.Did they script the Penthouse episode? On the one hand he talked about wanting to leave “now”, and on the other, faster than a Spice Girls concert selling out – 38 seconds to be precise, he was talking about making the most of the remaining four-and-a-half weeks! Or is it a case of Rich possibly sensing that, as a married man, he might have gone too far and runs the risk of alienating an increasing number of viewers.Or have Lerato’s questions to him about his wife and what he’s doing in the house stirred his conscience? Who knows? Who cares? Well, for one his wife does I presume.Or does she? Still, Richard has a hardcore following.Those who override all other considerations – that his wife might be struggling with the situation, that she fled her blog and has now fled Tanzania for Canada, where she’s been for three or more weeks.They seem to think that because he has a big whopper his extramarital goings-on are a small thing.Ya’know, the whopper will overcome all! THE CODE LESS TRAVELLED Code was momentarily dragged kicking and mumbling off the sidelines and along the Code Less Travelled – he suddenly found himself IN the game for a few days! The Malawian was aggrieved by talk that he might be the Brutus of the house.His response: more of a verbal backwash, and low tide at that, than anything else.No Shakespearean action.More like a mumble in the jungle.But even that’s subsided and he appears to have sunk back into his comfort no-zone.And, please, can’t someone call Garden Services to do something about his hair! Bertha.Aah, Bertha, aka B.I hear the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing in the background! Anyway, think I’ve about shot my wad on B.Past columns refer.I’m having a Bertha break this week.THE NEKKA CONSPIRACY But a few words on the all-but venerated Ofunneka – to some the epitome of the good housewife, and the model housemate.No gossiping, no conniving, no kingdom building.That’s their Offu.Oh yeah? Nekka’s modelled herself on BBA1 winner Cherise, has let out just enough screams for us to know she’s there and adopted the orphan couples of the house faster than Brad and Angelina gather children into the bosom of the Pitt-Jolie family.But, a BIG BUT, she also keeps her coupledom abreast on gossip, comforts them and dayum does she throw a few spanners in the works: like trying to manipulate the Bertha-Kwaku situation, egging Richard on with Tatiana, etc.I don’t have a problem with it.She’s playing her game.And a damn cunning one at that.So let’s not try and make her out to be holier than thou just because she operates like a stealth missile! That’s really the pot calling the kettle black.SHOUT-OUTS In other developments this week, Richard and Tati discussed Tati’s toes; housemates worked on preparing food for a mystery guest last night; Bertha and Kwaku were engrossed in shining up each other’s egos; Nekka hit hard where it matters, at least for some BBA viewers – banging the crockery and cutlery.And, have to give a couple of shout-outs as they say on the BBA SMS strip.To the Bertha fan who headlined my column on the strip: Wow! Or should I say aishona!! And to BBA fan ‘Toxic’, who resides on the BBA Motherland 2 blog, keep rocking the house, gal.* BBA2 can be viewed on Channel 198, DStvLights, cameras …let rip! If only someone would let rip in the BBA house! Biggie’s back.But otherwise, it’s a bit like walking into Madame Tussaud’s waxworks.Someone, please break the mould! I miss my ‘Bold and the Beautiful’; ‘The Mould and the Dutiful’s’ just not cutting it! For me, anyway.But let me not dwell too long in the House of Wax.I put myself at risk of ‘Big 5’ groupies breaking into Kylie’s ‘I Could Be So Lucky’! At best.Or ending up being impaled like ‘The House of Wax’s’ Paige (aaah …me and Paris Hilton.That’s a thought!).At worst.Or should it be the other way around?! Yeah, peeps, there are those who want to make me feel like the resident rat – and it all started with Johnny ‘the Gag’ getting on my case.Now there’s a whole pack of howling naysayers.Snapping at my heels are a couple of Bertha-rites (and, no, that’s not the name of some new religion!) and diehard fans of the ‘Big 5’.You know, those folk who think thermo-balling in bed, hogging the hammock and steam-cooking lentils is the height of entertainment.Watch out Las Vegas! You ain’t seen nothing yet!! I can already see the neon lights flashing.HOOK, LIE & SINKER? On to the pressing questions of the week: has Richard played us hook, lie and sinker? Will Bertha be born again? Can she be born again? Where’s Code been stowed? Is Ofunneka really a saint in disguise? More than a few BB viewers are not buying the whole Richiana break-up.He’s studying to be a film producer, she’s an actress.Did they script the Penthouse episode? On the one hand he talked about wanting to leave “now”, and on the other, faster than a Spice Girls concert selling out – 38 seconds to be precise, he was talking about making the most of the remaining four-and-a-half weeks! Or is it a case of Rich possibly sensing that, as a married man, he might have gone too far and runs the risk of alienating an increasing number of viewers.Or have Lerato’s questions to him about his wife and what he’s doing in the house stirred his conscience? Who knows? Who cares? Well, for one his wife does I presume.Or does she? Still, Richard has a hardcore following.Those who override all other considerations – that his wife might be struggling with the situation, that she fled her blog and has now fled Tanzania for Canada, where she’s been for three or more weeks.They seem to think that because he has a big whopper his extramarital goings-on are a small thing.Ya’know, the whopper will overcome all! THE CODE LESS TRAVELLED Code was momentarily dragged kicking and mumbling off the sidelines and along the Code Less Travelled – he suddenly found himself IN the game for a few days! The Malawian was aggrieved by talk that he might be the Brutus of the house.His response: more of a verbal backwash, and low tide at that, than anything else.No Shakespearean action.More like a mumble in the jungle.But even that’s subsided and he appears to have sunk back into his comfort no-zone.And, please, can’t someone call Garden Services to do something about his hair! Bertha.Aah, Bertha, aka B.I hear the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing in the background! Anyway, think I’ve about shot my wad on B.Past columns refer.I’m having a Bertha break this week. THE NEKKA CONSPIRACY But a few words on the all-but venerated Ofunneka – to some the epitome of the good housewife, and the model housemate.No gossiping, no conniving, no kingdom building.That’s their Offu.Oh yeah? Nekka’s modelled herself on BBA1 winner Cherise, has let out just enough screams for us to know she’s there and adopted the orphan couples of the house faster than Brad and Angelina gather children into the bosom of the Pitt-Jolie family.But, a BIG BUT, she also keeps her coupledom abreast on gossip, comforts them and dayum does she throw a few spanners in the works: like trying to manipulate the Bertha-Kwaku situation, egging Richard on with Tatiana, etc.I don’t have a problem with it.She’s playing her game.And a damn cunning one at that.So let’s not try and make her out to be holier than thou just because she operates like a stealth missile! That’s really the pot calling the kettle black.SHOUT-OUTS In other developments this week, Richard and Tati discussed Tati’s toes; housemates worked on preparing food for a mystery guest last night; Bertha and Kwaku were engrossed in shining up each other’s egos; Nekka hit hard where it matters, at least for some BBA viewers – banging the crockery and cutlery.And, have to give a couple of shout-outs as they say on the BBA SMS strip.To the Bertha fan who headlined my column on the strip: Wow! Or should I say aishona!! And to BBA fan ‘Toxic’, who resides on the BBA Motherland 2 blog, keep rocking the house, gal.* BBA2 can be viewed on Channel 198, DStv