Big Brother Africa: The forces are aligning!

THE end is nigh! And no, I’m not a prophet crying in the wilderness after BBA’s ‘Saturday of shame’: Big Brother’s into the home stretch – it’s time to vote for a winner.

Yip peeps, you can now start SMS-ing for which of the three remaining housemates you would like to see walk out of the house with the US$100 000: Tatiana, Ofunneka or Richard. And who am I putting my money on? It’s obvious!! One continent, one winner, one hot-water bottle! It’s already all but war on some of the BBA websites.Battle lines are being drawn as quickly as you can say George W Bush and Iraq.The pit bulls are on the loose.Brace yourselves for the vaults of NY-ASTINESS to be mined, and new depths of mudslinging to be plumbed as the clock ticks down on voting days.Forces are aligning.Saboteurs of disinformation are waiting to pounce.Vipers and snipers are taking up positions.Bazookas are being aimed in defence of the gazunga; women are either the “sluts” or the “saints” of Africa.People are being alternatively slandered or extolled to high heaven.Even God’s being summoned to intervene, as though the Almighty hasn’t got more serious issues on His plate, like, you know, Darfur, poverty, AIDS, Iraq, natural disasters, Zimbabwe …”We don’t decide who wins, God does,” said one message to the BBA SMS strip.And a message on one of the web sites, “God will see Richie gets the US$100 000.”Uhmmmmmmm …yes, well …Hang on to your seat belts, the next fortnight is likely to be as pretty as a frenzy of Siamese fighting fish in a fishbowl! THE MOLES DIG! In the meantime, Biggie has sent two moles, agents provocateur, into the house.Their mission is to stir things up, and to particularly unsettle Richiana.The pretext for their presence in the house is that they’re supposed to have come from a parallel Big Brother house! They went in straight after Maureen was evicted on Sunday night.Whether this was the original plan or not, I don’t know.But they didn’t seem particularly well briefed in terms of supposedly having been in a BBA house.Can’t help feeling that Biggie sent them in a bit earlier than planned to try and divert attention away from Saturday’s controversy, which even made the front page of The Star newspaper yesterday (‘Big Brother contestant accused of sex assault’).I feel the Big should have told the moles that they were not allowed to speak about the fictitious previous BBA house.They were already floundering a bit on their first night! And Richiana and Ofunneka were not slow to smell a rat.They know something’s up, but are not quite sure what the full plot is! Richard told Tatiana that he thinks that maybe the plan is to “split us”.HOW DOES IT WORK THEN? Still, the presence of the moles – in the shape of Zimbabwean model Victor and Kenyan model and actress Ashanti – has definitely unsettled Richiana.They’re clinging on to each other more tightly than Maureen and her hot-water bottle! And while the ‘Big 5’ trio are suspicious, it’s done nothing to dampen Richard’s jealousy.He even gave Tatiana the “do-you-like-it, what-do-you-feel-about-him” third degree yesterday morning after Victor set a place, very nicely, for Tati at the breakfast table! Eish!! Meanwhile, Victor and Ashanti have been quizzing Richiana about their relationship.When asked on Sunday night whether he was together with Tatiana, Richard replied “sort of”.Later on, much later, he revealed to them that he was married.When asked how that worked, he guffawed and replied “well this is Africa”.Yeah, bro.Real classy.Then, on Monday night, as Richiana clung together like there was no tomorrow in the Jacuzzi, Victor peppered them with questions about their relationship and Richard’s wife.He suggested that when the couple left the house, Richard should apologise to Tati’s boyfriend, and that Tati should apologise to Richard’s wife.This did not float well.And Richard did not seem overly concerned about the reaction of his wife, Ricki, and what she might do in the wake of his actions in the house.”My wife won’t do anything before she speaks to me,” Richard boasted.And, sjoe, yesterday Richard kissed Ashanti.An unimpressed Tatiana was quick to confront him about it.Gazunga man at first tried to deny it, but was told that there was at least one eyewitness, Victor.Richard stormed off to confront the Zimbabwean, accusing him of not being a “real man”, and then tried to backtrack on his earlier denials by saying it was just “a simple, shared kiss”.Victor told gazunga man to booger off! You go Victor.And yip, once again, Tatiana was left with the job of trying to soothe Richard …Shem!And who am I putting my money on? It’s obvious!! One continent, one winner, one hot-water bottle! It’s already all but war on some of the BBA websites.Battle lines are being drawn as quickly as you can say George W Bush and Iraq.The pit bulls are on the loose.Brace yourselves for the vaults of NY-ASTINESS to be mined, and new depths of mudslinging to be plumbed as the clock ticks down on voting days.Forces are aligning.Saboteurs of disinformation are waiting to pounce.Vipers and snipers are taking up positions.Bazookas are being aimed in defence of the gazunga; women are either the “sluts” or the “saints” of Africa.People are being alternatively slandered or extolled to high heaven.Even God’s being summoned to intervene, as though the Almighty hasn’t got more serious issues on His plate, like, you know, Darfur, poverty, AIDS, Iraq, natural disasters, Zimbabwe …”We don’t decide who wins, God does,” said one message to the BBA SMS strip.And a message on one of the web sites, “God will see Richie gets the US$100 000.”Uhmmmmmmm …yes, well …Hang on to your seat belts, the next fortnight is likely to be as pretty as a frenzy of Siamese fighting fish in a fishbowl! THE MOLES DIG! In the meantime, Biggie has sent two moles, agents provocateur, into the house.Their mission is to stir things up, and to particularly unsettle Richiana.The pretext for their presence in the house is that they’re supposed to have come from a parallel Big Brother house! They went in straight after Maureen was evicted on Sunday night.Whether this was the original plan or not, I don’t know.But they didn’t seem particularly well briefed in terms of supposedly having been in a BBA house.Can’t help feeling that Biggie sent them in a bit earlier than planned to try and divert attention away from Saturday’s controversy, which even made the front page of The Star newspaper yesterday (‘Big Brother contestant accused of sex assault’). I feel the Big should have told the moles that they were not allowed to speak about the fictitious previous BBA house.They were already floundering a bit on their first night! And Richiana and Ofunneka were not slow to smell a rat.They know something’s up, but are not quite sure what the full plot is! Richard told Tatiana that he thinks that maybe the plan is to “split us”.HOW DOES IT WORK THEN? Still, the presence of the moles – in the shape of Zimbabwean model Victor and Kenyan model and actress Ashanti – has definitely unsettled Richiana.They’re clinging on to each other more tightly than Maureen and her hot-water bottle! And while the ‘Big 5’ trio are suspicious, it’s done nothing to dampen Richard’s jealousy.He even gave Tatiana the “do-you-like-it, what-do-you-feel-about-him” third degree yesterday morning after Victor set a place, very nicely, for Tati at the breakfast table! Eish!! Meanwhile, Victor and Ashanti have been quizzing Richiana about their relationship.When asked on Sunday night whether he was together with Tatiana, Richard replied “sort of”.Later on, much later, he revealed to them that he was married.When asked how that worked, he guffawed and replied “well this is Africa”.Yeah, bro.Real classy.Then, on Monday night, as Richiana clung together like there was no tomorrow in the Jacuzzi, Victor peppered them with questions about their relationship and Richard’s wife.He suggested that when the couple left the house, Richard should apologise to Tati’s boyfriend, and that Tati should apologise to Richard’s wife.This did not float well.And Richard did not seem overly concerned about the reaction of his wife, Ricki, and what she might do in the wake of his actions in the house.”My wife won’t do anything before she speaks to me,” Richard boasted.And, sjoe, yesterday Richard kissed Ashanti.An unimpressed Tatiana was quick to confront him about it.Gazunga man at first tried to deny it, but was told that there was at least one eyewitness, Victor.Richard stormed off to confront the Zimbabwean, accusing him of not being a “real man”, and then tried to backtrack on his earlier denials by saying it was just “a simple, shared kiss”.Victor told gazunga man to booger off! You go Victor.And yip, once again, Tatiana was left with the job of trying to soothe Richard …Shem!