Big Brother Africa: Freak my agenda!

IT CAME to me last night! Not like Rich to Tati, but like Flash Gordon to his mission of saving the world.

A lightning bolt of inspiration!! Well I think so anyway. Don’t know if it has anything to do with the just-ended Communist Party congress in China and the upcoming Swapo Party congress, or congress of a different sort in the BB house, but I had a great leap forward, politically speaking.As I paged through ‘Das Kapital’, Mao’s ‘Little Red Book’, Muammar Gaddafi’s ‘The Green Book’ and the Swapo Party manifesto (we BBA columnists need to keep grounded), it was like VOILA! Or, to take a page out of Mao’s ‘Little Red Book’, a moment on a par with “letting a hundred flowers bloom” – to avoid any blooming misunderstandings, I’m not talking Richard’s pants’ plan and planting! I’m talking politics.Hardcore politics.Political parties wake up! The BBA masses are yours for the taking.Youth leagues should be trawling the BBA Social Forum for members.If they’re not, they’re missing out! The zeal, the commitment, the wholesale embracing of ‘guided democracy’ (who to evict) is in full flow on the site; “traitor”, the cult of personality, paranoia, agendas, hidden agendas, loyal housemate credentials, agitators, moles and reactionary forces are common currency.These people vote, they campaign, they mobilise masses.What more could you ask for in a party loyalist? Seize the moment! BERTHA, BBP OK, OK.I give in.I’ve tried to be restrained in the interest of bias, but I’m forced to bow to popular pressure.Yeah, the update some of you have been clamouring for …the latest on the ‘Untouchables’! Seems Bertha, aka B, will always be with us, even unto the end …well, at least, to the end of hair extensions.I live with the spectre of Bertha hanging over me! I fear that one day she will suddenly appear in The Namibian’s doorway and say, “Jean, answer for your Bertha sins.”Thank heavens I’m an avid fan of ’24’, and have been refining my best Jack Bauer moves.So, B, we’ve done face to face, and now I’m ready to go head to head! Peeps, you probably think I’m having a hot-water bottle moment here.Not so.Bertha IS in the area.During my research this week, I ‘found’ Bertha! S’true.She’s jumped into the fray on the BBA Social Network Forum, crutches and all.The long and the short of it is – oh, how I’ve craved to say that since the first eviction! – that I can tell you that B and Lerato are just back from visiting Justice ‘maJustus’ in Botswana.I’m short on details but, in B’s words, they had a “crazy time”.AND …WAIT FOR IT …Bertha has confirmed to forumists that she’s been in the studios with South African hip-hop star HHP.But she’s playing her cards close to her chest.You know B! Unless it’s a case of “I have needs” …she’ll keep you at crutches’ length! So you Bertha fans out there, I’m sure you’ve got to be loving me for this update.I told you, B and I have a dissunderstanding! In other ‘Untouchable’ news, in an interview with a South African newspaper Lerato, Meryl and Max revealed they are thinking of having an ‘Untouchable’ brand of products; Meryl was invited to Zambia at the end of last week for an event or two, and Lerato has flown to Lusaka this week.Back to Mao: ‘Long live for 10 000 years’! THE COMMUNE In other goings-on in the people’s commune, also known as the BBA house, housemates have been jumping around and tumbling to the ground in funny costumes ahead of a make-your-own-movie task scheduled for last night.Thought I was tripping and having a flashback on Wednesday night.I switched over to the BBA channel only to see Maureen locked in an embrace.For a split second I could have sworn Code was back in the house.Weird thoughts sped through my mind: had he been hiding in the hot-water bottle all this time?! But no, it was just Mo and Ofunneka clinched in a WWE embrace.They’d been talking tissue issues, rejection, belonging and wronging, and somehow, through all the blah, blah, blah, had found each other – well, at least found each other in each other’s arms! Not sure that they managed to decode the relationship trip …Have to confess that I really don’t know why Richiana needed to go to the Penthouse.I mean, they’ve taken over the boy’s bedroom in the house and turned it into their own personal gazunga nest! Royalty, etsê …SUE ME! Those who have proudly donned the grey mantle of support for the ‘Big 5’, I salute you.You have shown commitment five to none.I’m touched.I say this in all sincerity, and …uhmmm …I have to confess, with a slight hint of self-preservation in mind.In fact, it might just save my bacon.S’true.Apostles of the ‘Big 5’ (housemates touched by an angel, as opposed to the spurred-on-by-the-revolution ‘Untouchables’), have taken a leaf out of Johnny ‘the Gag’s’ book.I touché you not.The fantastical ‘5’ fanaticals have been on my case, big time! Hey, I love you too.OK, before I get reported to the public affairs editor, correction: it’s really only a microtrend, y’know an SMS or two.Glad to get that off my chest.We Catholics believe in confession.But, hella, the fanaticultists can carp on as craptacularly as Sky News over England’s Rugby World Cup loss.They think I need an attitude adjustment! Gazunga or die stuff! Eish, those fantesticles! But I refuse, R.E.F.U.S.E! Refuse to be a praise singer for amamorals heading south of the border.Nor will I be a spokesperson for foreign affairs.So take that, Sharleen Surtie-Richards! Ja, my bra.Or should it be my bra-sussie? Sue me!!! But this bi-atch is not for turning …I deviate.So let me embrace my inner deviant, as the bi-atch has already been let loose …* Maureen, Ofunneka and Tatiana are up for eviction this week.Catch BBA2 on Channel 198, DStvDon’t know if it has anything to do with the just-ended Communist Party congress in China and the upcoming Swapo Party congress, or congress of a different sort in the BB house, but I had a great leap forward, politically speaking.As I paged through ‘Das Kapital’, Mao’s ‘Little Red Book’, Muammar Gaddafi’s ‘The Green Book’ and the Swapo Party manifesto (we BBA columnists need to keep grounded), it was like VOILA! Or, to take a page out of Mao’s ‘Little Red Book’, a moment on a par with “letting a hundred flowers bloom” – to avoid any blooming misunderstandings, I’m not talking Richard’s pants’ plan and planting! I’m talking politics.Hardcore politics.Political parties wake up! The BBA masses are yours for the taking.Youth leagues should be trawling the BBA Social Forum for members.If they’re not, they’re missing out! The zeal, the commitment, the wholesale embracing of ‘guided democracy’ (who to evict) is in full flow on the site; “traitor”, the cult of personality, paranoia, agendas, hidden agendas, loyal housemate credentials, agitators, moles and reactionary forces are common currency.These people vote, they campaign, they mobilise masses.What more could you ask for in a party loyalist? Seize the moment! BERTHA, BBP OK, OK.I give in.I’ve tried to be restrained in the interest of bias, but I’m forced to bow to popular pressure.Yeah, the update some of you have been clamouring for …the latest on the ‘Untouchables’! Seems Bertha, aka B, will always be with us, even unto the end …well, at least, to the end of hair extensions.I live with the spectre of Bertha hanging over me! I fear that one day she will suddenly appear in The Namibian’s doorway and say, “Jean, answer for your Bertha sins.” Thank heavens I’m an avid fan of ’24’, and have been refining my best Jack Bauer moves.So, B, we’ve done face to face, and now I’m ready to go head to head! Peeps, you probably think I’m having a hot-water bottle moment here.Not so.Bertha IS in the area.During my research this week, I ‘found’ Bertha! S’true.She’s jumped into the fray on the BBA Social Network Forum, crutches and all.The long and the short of it is – oh, how I’ve craved to say that since the first eviction! – that I can tell you that B and Lerato are just back from visiting Justice ‘maJustus’ in Botswana.I’m short on details but, in B’s words, they had a “crazy time”.AND …WAIT FOR IT …Bertha has confirmed to forumists that she’s been in the studios with South African hip-hop star HHP.But she’s playing her cards close to her chest.You know B! Unless it’s a case of “I have needs” …she’ll keep you at crutches’ length! So you Bertha fans out there, I’m sure you’ve got to be loving me for this update.I told you, B and I have a dissunderstanding! In other ‘Untouchable’ news, in an interview with a South African newspaper Lerato, Meryl and Max revealed they are thinking of having an ‘Untouchable’ brand of products; Meryl was invited to Zambia at the end of last week for an event or two, and Lerato has flown to Lusaka this week.Back to Mao: ‘Long live for 10 000 years’! THE COMMUNE In other goings-on in the people’s commune, also known as the BBA house, housemates have been jumping around and tumbling to the ground in funny costumes ahead of a make-your-own-movie task scheduled for last night.Thought I was tripping and having a flashback on Wednesday night.I switched over to the BBA channel only to see Maureen locked in an embrace.For a split second I could have sworn Code was back in the house.Weird thoughts sped through my mind: had he been hiding in the hot-water bottle all this time?! But no, it was just Mo and Ofunneka clinched in a WWE embrace.They’d been talking tissue issues, rejection, belonging and wronging, and somehow, through all the blah, blah, blah, had found each other – well, at least found each other in each other’s arms! Not sure that they managed to decode the relationship trip …Have to confess that I really don’t know why Richiana needed to go to the Penthouse.I mean, they’ve taken over the boy’s bedroom in the house and turned it into their own personal gazunga nest! Royalty, etsê …SUE ME! Those who have proudly donned the grey mantle of support for the ‘Big 5’, I salute you.You have shown commitment five to none.I’m touched.I say this in all sincerity, and …uhmmm …I have to confess, with a slight hint of self-preservation in mind.In fact, it might just save my bacon.S’true.Apostles of the ‘Big 5’ (housemates touched by an angel, as opposed to the spurred-on-by-the-revolution ‘Untouchables’), have taken a leaf out of Johnny ‘the Gag’s’ book.I touché you not.The fantastical ‘5’ fanaticals have been on my case, big time! Hey, I love you too.OK, before I get reported to the public affairs editor, correction: it’s really only a microtrend, y’know an SMS or two.Glad to get that off my chest.We Catholics believe in confession.But, hella, the fanaticultists can carp on as craptacularly as Sky News over England’s Rugby World Cup loss.They think I need an attitude adjustment! Gazunga or die stuff! Eish, those fantesticles! But I refuse, R.E.F.U.S.E! Refuse to be a praise singer for amamorals heading south of the border.Nor will I be a spokesperson for foreign affairs.So take that, Sharleen Surtie-Richards! Ja, my bra.Or should it be my bra-sussie? Sue me!!! But this bi-atch is not for turning …I deviate.So let me embrace my inner deviant, as the bi-atch has already been let loose …* Maureen, Ofunneka and Tatiana are up for eviction this week.Catch BBA2 on Channel 198, DStv