Big Brother Africa 4: Kevin fans eye Eddie

AND on the eighth day, God created Kevin. And the eighth day begat seventh heaven, known to the followers of Kevin as Kevin heaven.

And so it came that the Kevin’s Gate cult [note: not linked to the Heaven’s Gate cult in the US] was born, and all was well with the world … uhmmm, not quite the world, but BBA nation will do!If it just wasn’t for that dayum village prophet, Nkenna the Baptist, and the infidel Eddie and his kilt of many colours!!Not to mention the fly in the alabaster ointment, Mzamo ‘the unclean’.The Pharisees of Abuja were not well pleased with these entertaining fakers.It had been decreed that Kevin was THE entertainer. Oops sorry, it should be entertainer with a capital ‘E’ – Entertainer. Got to watch my back here!All others were false entertainers. Not just false entertainers, but sinful false entertainers.Still, the hapless Kevin was well pleased with being The Chosen.The Jostified one often retired to a closeted space and spake with the spirit in the sky, known as Biggie headmistress.Kevin would also use this time to preach and try and attract more cult followers. He not only spoke to Biggie-H, he spoke through her: ‘Hello Africa, this is Kevin your boy … I want to know what Africa wants me to do so that you will love me more.’ [verbatim quote.]Yo! Keeeeeevin, ma-boi!!And it came to pass that Salome … eish, Elizabeth of Salaam … and her cohort Emm.I.Am demanded Nkenna the village prophet’s head on a plate. Kevin was in seventh heaven. The time had come to rid BBA nation of her turbulent presence.The son of Jos did not flinch. ‘Impurities’ had to be purged from the Naija bloodline …Outside the palace walls, the Kev-zealots bayed for Nkenna’s blood. But alas, the masses had been pranked into believing fake was real, and real was fake. And the village prophet was spared the wrath of the cult. Verily, verily.But alas, Kevin had to pay more than 30 naira for his folly. The sacrifice was great. His consort, Elizabeth – uhhhm Salome, no Elizabeth … eish, whatever – was put to the sword by the dissenting rabble.And thus it came to pass that Kevin turned into a pillar of salt (tears). But lo and behold, before you could say ‘Amen’, Biggie-H called in Hollywood and Kevin was transformed into ‘my cousin Vinnie’! And so ‘The Entertainer’ was given a new lease of life.CHICKEN OR BEEF?Eish peeps, I have no beef with Kevin, nor chicken for that matter. He’s an OK guy. But some [some, not all] of his fans? Aikona, like ai-ai … aaaaaaaikonnnnnnnnna.I had no sooner mentioned the Kevin’s Gate cult earlier this week, when ‘pray for Kevin’ threads started unravelling on the main BBA forum, Oboma. Believe it. ‘GOD BLESS THEM AND ENLARGE THEIR TERRITORIES AS THEY VOTE FOR KEVIN…..GIVE THEM ABUNDANTLY ALL THEY NEED RIGHT NOW. GRANT THEM THE DESIRES OF THEIR HEARTS; ALL THEY SOW WILL BE REAP IN MULTIPLES……………THEY ARE SOWING IN A GOOD SOIL WHILE VOTING KEVIN. IN JESUS NAME. AMEN!…………..VOTE KEVIN.’ [The prayer has not been edited]I don’t have a problem with religion, or with prayer. But I kind of think God may have considerably more serious matters to deal with than Kevin winning a reality show.While some Kevin’s Gate cult members are imploring the Almighty for help, there are others … sjoe! and SJOE again … if not, eish and bliksem!! … yip, there are others out to take down our boy Eddie. And it ain’t pretty.Kevin extremists have set up verbal assassin squads. Dark forces are gathering and plotting.And we’re not talking Ninja Turtles here. We’re talking Naija … oops, getting carried away here … I mean Ninja Assassins. FOR REALSeems it’s slowly dawning on diehard fans [please note: Bruce Willis phoned to say they have nothing to do with him or his movies] of 50 Naira (Kevin to you) that while Eddie may prank, it’s no joke that he’s still in the house.I refuse to buy into the bile and repeat some of the vitriolic diatribes of a herd of overly venomed-up ranters!! Pooh-bah to them.On the ‘nicer’ side, they’re saying Eddie’s either too old, or too young, ‘a stupid old pensioner, ‘childish’, ‘a fool’, ‘a sinner’, ‘dirty’, wadda, wadda, wadda, etc, etc.And oh yes, while I’m at it, Bruce [yes, Willis again] also asked me to let fans know: ‘You’re never too old to be young! In the words of John McLane, ‘c’mon baby, come ta’ papa, I’ll kiss ya’ **** dalmatian’.’Bruce sent a special shout-out to Eddie from his close buddy Ashton Kutcher. ‘Hey, Ashton’s about the same age as Edward and he relates. Cool, baby, cool. Hella, Ashton even has a hit TV show on pranking, ‘Punk’d’. Welcome to the party, pal!’Don’t forget, voting closes at 06h00 on Sunday! Vote your favourite, or vote for Leonel!!* Tune in to DStv Channel 198 to catch the intrigue live 24/7, or watch the highlights show on M-Net Africa (DStv Channel 102) and AfricaMagic (DStv Channel 114). Weekly highlights will also be aired on NBC, every Saturday from 21h00 to 22h15.