Big Brother Africa 4: 50 Naira goes serial and Jemma’s pasta passion

Yo, my name is Kev,
And I give the house a rev,
I’m a Nigerian son,
BBA’s untouchable one
Got one eye on Eliza,
and the other, the wiser,
on da Benjamins
For my sins, I plan to wins!!

EISH BBA nation, I do not … NOT … want you to get the wrong impression – 50 Naira (Kevin to you) has not transported me to rapping seventh heaven.Yes, yes, I fess up … the words are mine. But dayum, I have no idea how they got into my head. I can only presume that I’ve been indoctrinated by those 40 freaking cameras in the BBA house that are supposed to bring me more action than the Currie Cup, more crowd buzz than the FA Cup final, more drama than Amy Winehouse and more bark than The Dogg!But what do I get? At least 50 Cent … oops, 50 per cent … of the time I tune in, Kev is either rapping or (g)rapp(l)ing!No wonder my head’s spinning like a raptor.The only other possible answer is that Spy Bill maestro Joel Kaapanda (the Honourable Minister) has somehow got into my head? Naaaaaah … or maybe … Maybe not!50 NAIRA INTERRUPTUSI have no beef with the Nigerians in the house, nor lamb chops for that matter. In fact, the one, the only, the indomitable … Nkenna’s stock has risen dramatically in my books. For now, it’s at favoured status! Still have to check with Beyonce, but I’m sure ‘Independent Woman’ was written for ‘Nkenna Fierce’.Love the way she stood up to 50 Naira when he tried to pressure her, as a fellow Naija, to throw Eddie into the eviction mix – as part of her Head of House switch; likewise when KeLiz (Kev and Eliza) and Jemma (Jeremy and Emma), who see themselves as the power couples in the house, pushed her to nominate Itai, who had been her comrade in arms.But back to 50 Naira. I sometimes wonder if Kev thinks he’s starring in ‘BBA, The Musical’, or ‘BBA, Get Off My Titanic’! When he’s not rapping, he’s doing ‘My Love Will Go On’ with Eliza, who seems to be re-interpreting the role of the iceberg that sunk the Titanic.Sometimes she melts, just a liza little, then it’s the big freeze and occasionally she gets her Halloween on and it’s total meltdown. Aikona! But 50 Naira carries on regardless … He swears he’ll leave her alone … uhmmmmm, until about 30 seconds later!Look, I don’t mind Kelvin but, as happens with power, it seems surviving eviction can be a heady experience!I get the feeling that 50 Naira is starting to believe he’s the ‘It Boy’ after surviving two eviction votes. Not only that, he’s sent out signals that the other two Naija housemates can be thrown under the bus because he regards himself as Nigeria’s sole and authentic representative.Kev even intimated as much to Biggie headmistress during a diary session earlier this week.He told her that because he’s been up for eviction twice, he thinks the other housemates are using him as a yardstick to measure viewer popularity for each housemate.Oh brother!A PAIN IN THE PASTASo, who will leave the house this Sunday? Jeremy, Mzamo or Emma? At the time of going to press it was still not clear if one or two people will be on the chopping block, or if Biggie headmistress has some other evil twist up her sleeve.Just so you know, I’m rooting for wild child Mzamo to stay! Just so you know … You are hearing me, right?!!I mean this whole supposed Jemma ‘romance’ baffles me. They seemed to go from the first hello to grandpa and grandma status before you could say hasta la pasta! Or two-minute noodles (yo Munya, how you doing Zim dude?!!) for that matter.I mean I’m convinced even Cupid must be bored by Jemma. Which doesn’t mean that they’re not sweet people. But eish, romance?But I think I’ve got it! Yeah peeps, I think I’ve finally got it. Uhmmmmm … OK, I only think I’ve got it. Not sure if you’re going to find this an appetising option or not, but Jemma’s relationship seems to be … well … all about appetite.No, no, no … not those sort of appetites!Like water for chocolate, like lust for food. Yip, food, glorious food. I switched on Channel 198 the other night to find Jeremy telling Emma that he prefers Cadburys chocolate to Nestles. Emma agreed. ‘Yes, I also like Cadburys.’Oh wow!On Wednesday, a simmering Emma threw her pots out the pantry because she thought Mzamo had scoffed Jeremy’s pasta. In fact she rapidly went from simmering to boiling as she screamed at Mzamo: ‘Don’t eat people’s pasta!’ Malawi was having none of it and basically told the Angolan cougar to go and stew in her own juices.And while she was at it – the stewing that is – not to do it in the bathroom. Eeeeeeuw!On Wednesday night, Jemma had the use of the bedroom in ‘the palace’. If you were expecting a gourmet passion feast, forget it.There were midnight goings-on, and there was some ‘please Jeremy, can I have some more’. But it was all about a midnight snack. On a plate the size of a tray. S’true!I’m sure it must have been a serving dish.But have you also noticed that almost every time the cameras switch to Jemma, food’s involved. Go figure!MISSING YOUDon’t know about you, but I’m really missing Kristal! Eish, with all the stories about her Mum and Jonno, I’d started to feel like part of her extended family.All things said, the sassy Zimbabwean chatterbox took some of the entertainment with her when she left.OK, OK and even missing Quinocchio, just a quinzy bit! I mean now there’s no one left to eat a bowl of stupid before the nomination and eviction shows. You know that exaggerated ‘wela, kapela’, see if I care, like yo I’m so cool, doubling up with fake emotion, raised eyebrows thing he used to do …OK peeps, happy weekend viewing … and stay tuned!•Tune in to DStv Channel 198 to catch the intrigue live 24/7, or watch the highlights shows on M-Net (channel 102) and AfricaMagic (channel 114). For information and updates on the series, log on to www.mnetafrica.com/bigbrother. Weekly highlights will also be aired on NBC, every Saturday from 21h15 – 22h15.