Big Brother Africa: Abominations & Agitations

By: JEAN SUTHERLAND

GOD is still in the heavens, the Titanic’s still at the bottom of the ocean, there’s been no continental shift and a thundering Moses has not descended from Mt Sinai …

Don’t know about global warming, though!

The amount of hot air generated by ‘Freaky Friday’ in the Big Brother All Stars house might just force environmental scientists to rush back to the drawing board.

Eeeeeeeuw BBA nation, you’d swear that the end was nigh by the way some people who don’t watch the show are breathing fire and brimstone about what they apparently didn’t see. 

They don’t watch, but boy do they know what’s up [literally!], what’s down [literally!] and what’s going on under the blankets, if not in the jacuzzi. Kapeesh!

Forget the running of the bulls in Pamplona, the seasonal stampede of wannabe pharisees is in full flight.

Like a red rag to a bull … I mean the righteous, last Friday’s alcohol-fuelled shenanigans in the house appear to have offended enough sensibilities to raise the Titanic. 

Yes, some dumptedy-dump, as Malawi’s daCode calls it, went down. Yes, housemates drank too much. Yes, the blankets moved. Yes, there was some girl on girl action. All that and more.

But hey, while the convent may have sailed, hell is not knocking at the front door!

For a few paragraphs, and a few paragraphs only, I’m going to get my Pamplona … eish, I mean Paloma on and do some pulpit pounding. 

While I respect that many of us have different beliefs, what gets me is that sexuality seems to be the sole measure by which some people judge others. Not whether they have a good heart, are kind, care for others and do the right thing in their daily lives; or whether they are abusive or not to women, children and animals.

How about a little less sole and a whole lot more soul? 

 

SAINTS AND SINNERS

 

While some of us have the Confidence to dish out condemnation as though it were on special at Shoprite, I abhor the latent hypocrisy which more often than not makes its home in the same judgemental stable.

Not everyone’s a missionary. Some of us are mere mortals, more sinner than saint, who occasionally stumble on the road of life.

OK, OK! All this and Big Brother too!! So before the hounds of heaven are unleashed and let loose on me, I’m outta here … 

Back to reality, and back at the ranch, actually The Barn, Hannington, aka action armpits, seems to be exploring his inner Grace Jones! Hmmmmmm … wonder who’s bumper he wants to pull up to?

And before a phalanx of pharisees decide to give me the bump, that’s the title of one of Ms Jones’ wellknown songs! Is too.

Yes, Ms Jones to you. No bones about it.

Have you checked his hair? He could be the sultry Jamaican-American singer’s love child!

Hanni is doing some serious styling on the hair front. He came in with dreads so tight it would have taken a GPS to navigate them, so tight that he eventually allowed them to slither to freedom.

Enter a hairy scary Hanni: action armpits trying out for a role in action movie ‘Snakes On A Plane, The Sequel’, wild and woolly and all over the place. 

Wonder if it’s a barometer of his changing affections for female housemates?

Hanni may be hair today and gone tomorrow when it comes to Tatiana, but there’s no stopping the Angolan.

She was all giggly and girly around Sheila’s Barn guest, her ex-boyfriend Bryan, and insisted that the Kenyan visitor sleep next to her. Atta matatta! 

Back in the house, Ka-mis is practising to be an events organiser. Eish, he sure knows how to throw a pity party. 

Still, I’m starting to believe that no-cojone Ka-maonie needs to go to rehab and be weened off the whinge weed. 

When he’s not doing his Kevin rapper-wannabe act in the diary room, he’s getting high on whine.

Now he’s jumping round like a cricket on steroids … oooooops, he was blathering on to Biggie about being called a cricket by Uti. My bad. 

Still, it’s what I call making an issue out of a tissue. Didn’t know sad sag could get more limp than an empty papsak.

 

IT’S JUST NOT CRICKET!

 

Who doesn’t know that Ka-moanie’s got his no-cojones in a twist as he fears Mwisho might have put him up for eviction!

That’s just not cricket! And it’s not as though Ka-zero doesn’t dish it out. He’s forever cruising for a bruising: he throws taunts Uti’s way, steps on Mwisho’s toes and tries to bowl a maiden when it comes to Meryl. 

That’s a whole lot of no-balls!

Stay tuned …

– Watch all the drama, 24/7 on DStv Channel 198. Also catch the daily highlights on M-Net Africa, Channel 102 daily at 18h30.

Remember Code, Munya and Uti are up for possible eviction, so VOTE for your favourite housemate, the one you want to see STAY in the house. And don’t forget to watch eviction show on Sunday night.

– Thanks to Segololo (tvsa.co.za) for the term ‘Freaky Friday’.

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