Overcoming violence through love

Nomhle Kangootui

SHE SAVED ME ... Donderine Karukuo (right) said her daughter Simone Karukuo’s determination and courage saved her from her boyfriend’s physical abuse and from alcohol abuse.

Photograph by Nomhle Kangootui

Growing up on a small farm near Dordabis, Simone remembers it to be a doomed place where girls get sexually abused by men and subsequently face an often very dark future.

At the age of eight, Simone was the primary caretaker of a younger sibling who was four at the time because both her mother and step-father were abusing alcohol, fought a lot and did not take care of their children.

“I knew my mother loved us but could not take care of us because of the drinking and abuse. When she did spent time with us, my step-father would get jealous and beat her in front of us. He would even get angry if she didn’t want to go and drink with him,” Simone recalls.

Ironically, Simone’s impoverished and difficult childhood drove her to study hard at school. When she was in the fourth Grade, she was academically strong and therefore selected to come to Windhoek for a spelling bee competition.

“That’s when I saw how some of the other children were living and how big and developed Windhoek schools looked like. It was also then when I promised myself that I have to come to Windhoek,” she says.

Regrettably, her step-father’s rage towards her mother became increasingly terrifying after Simone returned.

“I remember we were coming from school and it was late in the afternoon when they also arrived from the bar and started arguing, because my mother had told him she wanted to leave him and spend more time with us. This drove him crazy and he eventually started beating and stabbing her. I saw all that blood and thought I would lose my mother,” a teary Simone remembers.

After her mother got better, Simone decided to run away from home as she was told by friends that there was a orphanage in Soweto, Windhoek. When she arrived in the capital, she asked for directions and ended up at Moria Grace. She came alone at first, but was joined by her brother after some time.

“At first I did not tell my mother where I was. Only when I settled in at the shelter I told her that I was at Moria Grace. Then I asked her to send my brother over, and she did. It was better at Moria Grace - at least we ate, it was peaceful and I got to go to school in clean clothes and sleep in peace without any fighting,”.

Meanwhile, Simone’s mother Donderine Karukuo, 35, describes her daughter as a strong person and her life saviour. She was 19-years old when she gave birth to Simone and blames herself for letting her children down.

“Simone would beg me everyday to leave my boyfriend of 12 years. Yes, the abuse was a lot but I could not get myself to choose between him and the children. But I thank God he made Simone such a strong child and so determined. For years she was the mother figure in the house. On the day I decided to leave my boyfriend I found out that my children were staying at an orphanage while they were not even orphans,” says Donderine who is trying to stay sober for her children’s sake.

She further explains that the fact that her child walked away from the abuse gave her strength to also walk away from the man who abused her for 12 years.

“She saved my life and if it wasn’t for her I would be in hospital or dead by now because a month ago, when I packed my things and came to Windhoek to look for my children, he burnt down our home. I decided to be with my children and consider this to be the first step to a better me and a better mother to my children. They are still at the shelter and I will keep them there until I find a job. But for now I go to the shelter everyday and help out with the daily chores. That’s the least that I can do to say thank you to the lady who took my children in and gave them a home,” Donderine admits.

Clinical psychologist Shaun Whittaker says women stay in abusive relationships for various reasons.

“It’s either they are still in love with the person and hope the person will change. They dread the possibility of being lonely and eventually starting over with someone else, and they are too scared and intimidated to leave,” Whittaker explains.

He further explains that, growing up in a situation of an abusive relationship means that it eventually becomes the norm, “It becomes accepted as the way that relationships should be and very often children grow up with this abusive behaviour as adults,”.

Whittaker also points out that healing from physical abuse requires long talks about what happened and how to move beyond it. “This can be done by a loving family member or a wise friend, In Simone’s case; she needs reassurance, feelings of safety and quality attention. It is always amazing what the power of talking can achieve.”

Simone is in Grade eight, and is one of the head girls at the shelter of 65 children and the founder of Moria Grace, Wilhelmina Afrikaner, says she is very proud of Simone.

“She is a hard working person and doesn’t allow anyone or anything to bring her down - she is very determined. She is focused on her school work and I see her going very far. I am very blessed I have strong children. People say they are vulnerable but from where I am sitting, [it looks like] they are little soldiers fighting a daily fight and not giving up,” Afrikaner said.

Simone views herself as being in this world for a purpose, and is determined to finish her school to provide a better life for her brother and mother.

A recent study of the Parliamentary Standing Committee on Gender and Family Affairs, together with caregivers of Orphans and Vulnerable Children (OVC), states that ‘children are vulnerable because of poverty, poor parental care and involvement in the education of other children and the inability to afford basic needs’.

Current OVC statistics per selected towns:

At present, there are 1 846 orphans and vulnerable children in Otjiwarongo, and 1 407 in Okakarara. In Otavi, 433 OVCs were reported while in Grootfontein there are 1150, in Tsumkwe 467 and in Okahandja 1324.